[ he can tell that the word brother threw kon off. it's immediately obvious, from the startled thump of his heart to his unsteady next breath, and if it wasn't obvious, the panicked rambling would be more than telling to someone a whole lot more oblivious than jon.
he guesses he's not the only one who struggles to live up to this idea of clark. of superman. ]
Hey, [ he says, gentle, to stop him, turning a little more toward him on the log and freeing his arm so he can reach up, both hands cupping kon's face. ] Don't-- Don't do that. [ he squishes his cheeks a little, a brotherly rebuke. ] Don't.. trivialize your feelings. Don't make it out like they don't matter, because for all that Dad didn't ask for you to be brought into the world, you didn't, either. It's not your fault that Dad can't get his sh-- his stuff together when it comes to you. It's-- It's not really Dad's fault, either, but that doesn't mean you're not allowed to be confused and upset when none of us have really reached out like we should have.
[ his hands drop away from kon's face so he can take his hands instead, squeezing them as reassuringly as he can. ]
It's.. hard not to feel like you're not.. good enough. I know. Dad's been this.. [ he trails off helplessly, glance dropping to their hands, brows twitching together. ] He's so good, he doesn't always feel like a real person, and I was raised by him, so you'd think I'd know better. [ but the shadow that superman casts is a long one, and even at home, it had been hard for a child who'd worshiped his parents to find a flaw. realistically, jon knows they have them, but look at who they are. how is he ever supposed to live up to that? how can anyone?
and if superman seems uncertain about you, ambiguous about your relationship, well.. it must be your fault, right? there must be something wrong with you, you must not be good enough, strong enough, worthy enough.
he takes a breath, then glances back up, meeting kon's eyes. ] He'll come around or he won't, I can't say for sure either way. I missed-- [ no. ] Our relationship has had to change, and there's-- I'm still playing catch-up with things I should have learned over years, and that includes my relationship with my parents and the rest of my family. [ he squeezes kon's hands again. ] But whatever happens with Dad, I know you're my brother, and I'm going to make sure you never have to doubt that from now on.
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he guesses he's not the only one who struggles to live up to this idea of clark. of superman. ]
Hey, [ he says, gentle, to stop him, turning a little more toward him on the log and freeing his arm so he can reach up, both hands cupping kon's face. ] Don't-- Don't do that. [ he squishes his cheeks a little, a brotherly rebuke. ] Don't.. trivialize your feelings. Don't make it out like they don't matter, because for all that Dad didn't ask for you to be brought into the world, you didn't, either. It's not your fault that Dad can't get his sh-- his stuff together when it comes to you. It's-- It's not really Dad's fault, either, but that doesn't mean you're not allowed to be confused and upset when none of us have really reached out like we should have.
[ his hands drop away from kon's face so he can take his hands instead, squeezing them as reassuringly as he can. ]
It's.. hard not to feel like you're not.. good enough. I know. Dad's been this.. [ he trails off helplessly, glance dropping to their hands, brows twitching together. ] He's so good, he doesn't always feel like a real person, and I was raised by him, so you'd think I'd know better. [ but the shadow that superman casts is a long one, and even at home, it had been hard for a child who'd worshiped his parents to find a flaw. realistically, jon knows they have them, but look at who they are. how is he ever supposed to live up to that? how can anyone?
and if superman seems uncertain about you, ambiguous about your relationship, well.. it must be your fault, right? there must be something wrong with you, you must not be good enough, strong enough, worthy enough.
he takes a breath, then glances back up, meeting kon's eyes. ] He'll come around or he won't, I can't say for sure either way. I missed-- [ no. ] Our relationship has had to change, and there's-- I'm still playing catch-up with things I should have learned over years, and that includes my relationship with my parents and the rest of my family. [ he squeezes kon's hands again. ] But whatever happens with Dad, I know you're my brother, and I'm going to make sure you never have to doubt that from now on.