OPEN -- Golden retriever accidentally causes chaos wherever he goes

[slidesrightoff]

Who: Eddie Myers slidesrightoff & you
What: Eddie finds himself in some light hijinks
When: Early to mid March
Where: Central City
Content Warnings: None, will update if needed



01. Central City Park
[The day was just too beautiful to stay indoors. Wanting to take advantage of the weather, Eddie found a nice spot in the grass away from the general flow of the park crowds and was sitting on a towel, sketchbook in his lap, a small bag of art supplies next to him.

He hadn’t intended to stay long, just sketch a few things he saw before heading back to his hotel room, but once he started he quickly found himself lost in his art, alternating between staring out at the scenery in front of him, scribbling and erasing at the sketchbook page, and flipping to the next page. For the first time since he arrived, he forgot about all of his troubles, at least for a little while.

Try as he might to stay inconspicuous, he is a 6+ foot shiny blue robot man with a human head intensely staring out into a crowd, and that sort of thing sticks out.

Occasionally people peek over his shoulder, which he tries not to mind when he notices.

At one point in the day, one of the bystanders notices him sketching and takes offense, demanding to see and snatch his sketchbook. Eddie protests and clutches it to his chest, only causing the person’s objections to get louder. Every time the person grabs for him Eddie scoots away, but with the crowd forming it’s getting harder.]



02. Central City Library

[All he wanted was a book. He wasn’t too picky about which one, really. Something with a neat cover and a fun-sounding title. Preferably something not too long. Just a good story he could lose some time in and not think about how he really needed to make a decision to avoid becoming homeless for a few hours.

Instead, he finds some big burly dude angrily poking him in the back like that would do anything but hurt the burly dude.

You think you're so good you're a metahuman that you gotta flaunt it in front of everyone?

Inwardly, Eddie sighs.]

Not flaunting. Just living. It was sort of this or death, and I kind of like being alive.

[Unfortunately, dry humor failed to defuse the situation. In fact, it only seemed to make things worse, as the guy takes a few steps forward, all but punching Eddie’s metallic chest (probably because he realized that poking him would only break a finger). Eddie could easily overpower this asshole, but instead, he takes a step back every time the man advances, unwilling to rise to the bait.

This only serves to anger the guy who finally takes a swing for real. Eddie jerks back, more to protect the jerk’s hand than out of any sense of danger, and as his back connects with the metallic bookcase behind him, he’s realized that the situation has accidentally been escalated. It takes a second, but the creak of the bookcase tipping echoes across the mostly silent library.]



03. Central City streets

[There is Eddie, holding a wallet out to an elderly person, waiting for them to take it. Rather than do that very normal thing, they are instead staring at it as if he were holding a live snake, and snakes were most definitely not their thing.

You stole my wallet?

Eddie blinks. The wallet is right there. In his hand. Very much not stolen.]

Uh... no? You dropped it and I’ve been trying to get your attention for the last block.

[The person just... stares some more at the wallet in Eddie’s hand. Then they get angry.

I can’t believe you stole my wallet!

Seriously? Eddie just stares, nonplussed. It's still right there. It hasn’t gone anywhere.]

If... If I wanted to take your wallet, I wouldn’t have chased after you... holding your wallet.

[That seems to fall on deaf ears as the person is wound up well and good now, and just going off on Eddie for the supposed theft. Eddie bites the inside of his lip to keep from saying anything or betraying his true feelings on his face. Apparently, years of people sneering “the Blackguard boy” at him as an insult taught him something about how to keep a blank face. Still not worth it.]



Closed to Balthier

One second!

[The sword didn’t want to fit in his closet, but Eddie managed to get it in there with one last shove before going to open the front door. He greets Balthier with a smile.]

Hey! I wasn’t expecting you. [He pauses.] Or was I? Did I forget something again?

[He really didn’t think he did, but this wouldn’t be the first time he’d been proven wrong on that front, so it never hurt to ask.]

What’s up?

[The closet takes this moment to finally give up its valiant fight, and the door creaks open, spilling out a truly spectacular array of useless shit—swords, sketchbooks, clothes, paints (thankfully sealed), a bag of something that suspiciously looks like cat food, motor oil, canvases... just things that don’t belong in a hotel closet.

He spins around and groans at the sudden junk avalanche.]

Damn it.

Comments

[portolan]

Not exactly. But I found myself in a situation last month where hiding my identity may have been helpful.

[ The Confluence, with Filter and the like. He'd gotten out alright but some people had ended up with their images and powers exposed. ]

You have to promise to tell me if my idea is terrible.

[ He is not confident about this superhero business and he'd rather Eddie laugh at him than the whole world. ]

You're probably right on the luck but, honestly, mine's been...quite good lately. [ That gets a brief dreamy smile. He might have spent an unbelievable 18 hours with an unbelievable man a few nights ago, who might have said I love you, who might be a substantial part of the reason he picked Excelsior over Central. Maybe. ]

But good to know I have a friend through my poorer life choices. I'm sure they'll swing back around sooner or later.

[slidesrightoff]

I wish I had that problem. [You know, with the whole blue body and all. Pretty identifiable. It's why he never attempted the secret identity thing in the first place.]

100% honesty. Shoot.

[He has an uncle named Flim Flam. The boy does not judge.]

Tell me more about whoever it is you're dating. [He knows that goofy love face. You can't lie about the goofy love face.]

[portolan]

[ That's a valid point. Balthier mostly just accepts whatever he sees here as normal, but it's been long enough that he has realizes he's only seen one person who looks like Eddie. And that's Eddie. ]

Alright. Here goes. I'm thinking a blank canvas theme, since my magic is largely illusion, and there would be nothing identifiable in that to trace back to my actual person. Which means anything gentleman or pirate is out. I also have to come up with an alias, which is absurd, but Canvas isn't terrible and it doesn't cringe to make me say it.

[ Please help him. He really does not understand this hero villain business, and he feels absolutely moronic participating.

But that discomfort slides right past him at the question about dating. For a moment, he actually looks his 23 years instead of some stately nobleman. ]

I won't bore you, but he's sweet and brilliant and patient and I have never met anyone like him. We met under an oversharing spell or I would never have had the audacity to be honest with him, which means I probably wouldn't have gotten the chance to fall in love with him, and I don't know why I'm telling you all of this but he's wonderful.

[ And then he laughs at himself. ] So there you go. I'm a romantic fool.

[slidesrightoff]

[That about sums up his life right there.]

It's not a dumb idea. [A pause as he thinks about it.] I mean, you might need to workshop it a bit. "Blank slate" is generic and that's what you're going for, but you have to think about how other people will see you, yeah?

Some people pick their costume first and work backwards, but a lot of the time it's the other way around. My dad and all of my uncles figured out what was important to them and worked their costumes and codenames around that. So did most of the Watch, and the ones that didn't--like me and Proto--really don't have a secret identity to workshop.

You don't gotta force yourself to pick a name--you'd be shocked how many people get named by the public or the media, even if they already had something picked out--though I like Canvas.

What's most important is you have to figure out what vibe you want to give off. Right now "blank slate" just sort of gives me the impression that you feed off whatever everyone else is giving you, and I don't think that's what you mean.

And if something doesn't work--ditch it. Parker's husband I think has gone through like 3 or 4 names. Granted, it took Parker to sort of workshop with Brian what the hell he wanted to do with his life to finally get to a name that didn't suck. [A pause.] Oh, uh, Parker's like my best friend back home.

[No worries, Balthier, Eddie clearly has a lot of thoughts on the subject. Thoughts that vanish when Balthier starts talking again. By the end Eddie grins.]

You are and I love it. I love seeing people with that look. Who's the lucky guy?

[portolan]

I think, for once in my life, I don't want people to think too much about me. If I'm bothering to go out as a villain and not as myself, then I'm wanting anonymity. But your point is well-taken. I appreciate your insights.

[ It's good to know he can change these things. He also maybe should consider talking to his boyfriend about it at some point, but that makes him feel even more terribly awkward. ]

You know, for someone who is a decent poet and likes to act, this is...unfathomably difficult for me. It's one thing to make a character that's clearly a character and another to...have to wear it as part of my identity around other people that I presumably want to respect me. [ Hypocritical, yes, given Balthier isn't his birth name and the pirate-gentleman thing was a total construction. Except...he wanted those. They aren't costumes anymore. ]

Costume sounds easier and more approachable. Maybe you can help me with that, and keep workshopping the rest. [ It's really nice to think about doing things with friends and not alone. Though he's sorry for the people Eddie has left back home; it sounds like he had a good community.

That discomfort is gone and replaced by a mix of embarrassment and relief. Eddie's not teasing him. And it's nice to talk about this. He sighs, but that dreamy smile is back.]

Have you met David? David Alleyne? Tall, gorgeous, very eager to help? Sometimes charmingly literal, sometimes quite poetic? He moved out earlier this week, but he's been here as long as we both have.

[slidesrightoff]

Remember that people see what they want to see. You'd be shocked how many people go out wearing just, like, a tiny strip of cloth over their eyes and people who have known them their entire lives don't recognize them. It's crazy.

[Eddie gently takes his sketchbook back.]

Like I said, me and secret identities don't mix, but I have heard other people talk about it, yeah? One of the best pieces of advice I ever heard one of the old guard say to a newbie was that it's important to remember that putting on the costume is a job, it's not another side of you. Some people get lost on that distinction.

[Eddie glances at Balthier, flips to a blank page and just starts idly sketching his general outline.]

How literal are you taking "blank slate"? You know white is a bitch to keep clean, right?

[Look, it's cute. Eddie likes cute.]

Pretty sure it's illegal to call someone else's boyfriend "gorgeous" but yeah, I've met him. Not had like a deep connection--platonic!--or anything, but I'd recognize him if I saw him again.

[portolan]

[ Is Eddie fucking with him? No, no he doesn't think so. Honestly he knows that from running cons, but still. A piece of fabric? Really? ]

Humans are utterly unfathomable and disappointing in their willful ignorance.

The leaving work at work advice is good though. I have lived by similar separations before.

[ It had been frightening, early on, especially while he was still discovering his new identity as Balthier, to be afraid the characters he ran in cons were part of him too. To not know what was him and what was just lines on a stage. He hasn't felt that disoriented in a long time, but Eddie's right, in a way, that having to think about this identity business has dredged up old memories. ]

White, my good fellow, is very easy to bleach. And I'm no good with literal. I'm more drawn to the endless possibilities of canvas, and the expectation that something will be created. And it's pretentious and artistic.

[ He chuckles, though, at Eddie's wording on the latter. ]

Your discretion is admirable, but I assure you I am not threatened that you or David is looking at the other with any interest. I am aware that I am both stunning and charming and enough to hold someone's attention, thank you.

[slidesrightoff]

[People also don't look up, despite the fact that there are a ton of superheroes and villains who can fly.]

I think it's more... [He bites his lip, trying to find the right words for it.] People are too trusting, I guess? They see what they want to see. Or more accurately, see what they want to believe.

[Eddie nods. There are some that take the job as a personal crusade, but he's watched far too many of them either die, go past the point of no return, or simply burn out. Heroes and villains both. There's a lot of responsibility, yes, and that shouldn't be shirked, but never at the expense of your own life.]

I mean if you want to carry bleach with you while you're fighting, that's your pierogi-tive I guess. [Yes, he said that completely wrong. Maybe he's hungry.] You and Uncle Flam would get along, I think. If you can put up with the.... [A wave of his hand.] Flam-ness of it all.

[Flim Flam is... A Lot. Eddie loves him to death, though.]

I mean you are, yeah. People sometimes take what I say the wrong way, so I always feel like I have to clarify, just in case.

[Perhaps it goes back to being "the Blackguard boy." People sometimes just expected the worst, and he never realized.]

[portolan]

[ He knows all about people seeing what they want to believe. He's built a career on that. Been burned by it too. ]

For someone so kind you're impressively astute about human nature.

[ The mispronunciation and reference to his uncle make Balthier smile though. Eddie is so refreshingly straightforward. No calculating for power, no airheadedness. ]

I will happily defer to your input on all things villain costume. You are clearly more the expert than I am -- I would pay you, of course.

[ It's sweet and a little cute that he's being so careful about the boundary with someone else's man. He chuckles, shaking his head. ]

Eddie you are a better man than most. Would that I could have met you at home -- I would have loved someone like you on my crew.

[slidesrightoff]

I guess I kind of had to be. [He chuckles slightly.] Though almost everyone I've ever met is still scared I am going to be hauled off with the promise of free candy. I mean, if the guy is nice enough...

[Eh, he's a bit of an airhead. He just is oblivious to that. Also, his uncle really is a lot. There have been many threats of death by the other members of the Blackguard over the years. Usually with a smile threatening to come out as someone says it.]

Good, the first rule of villainy is never piss off your tailor. So... you're learning.

[It isn't. He is 100% joking. Except a good villain does know not to piss off their tailor, unless they want to start taking up sewing themselves.]

Thanks! [He thinks. It feels like a compliment, anyway.] What exactly did you do back home? I feel like you said pirate at some point.

[Or maybe his outfit did. One of them.]

[portolan]

You have found me out. I am here to lure you away to villainy and crime with the promise of candy and free art supplies.

[ Eddie is sweet, but he doesn't seem that stupid to Balthier. That said, Balthier has been led into incredibly cruel situations for trusting the wrong people, so he can certainly respect the danger. ]

Sir, I learned never to 'piss off' my tailor the moment I started caring about looking good, which was around the age of six.

[ Their conversation is dragging on much past a door hello-goodbye, so Balthier goes to perch on the arm of the couch. And yes, he also assumes he said pirate at some point. ]

Sky pirate. We don't have ocean pirates. I cannot believe I have to clarify that here. Our main means of transport is airship. I generally looted tombs and ruins -- and before you judge me too harshly, the politics of our tombs are a lot less charged with colonization than the ones here -- and ran sabotage on the Archadian Empire. [ The latter because his father was deeply embedded in it, the former in part to keep said father from potentially dangerous tech or magick. ]

[slidesrightoff]

I mean...

[Unfortunately, he will be the first person to admit he can be too trusting. He wants to see the best in people, even when he should see the blinking LED red flags.]

Are you from one of those worlds that doesn't have thrift stores?

[Yes, that was the main takeaway from that. Thrift stores.]

I feel like your world is really missing an opportunity for ocean pirates. Your economy can't entirely subsist on air travel; someone is going to try to avoid the air pirates by using a boat. And then no one gets to rob them.

[portolan]

If you mean second hand clothing, yes we have plenty of that. What we don't have is the ready-made clothing of this world.

[ He misses getting all of his clothing fitted, thanks. It's so much more pretentious here. Not that that's stopping him. It's just also hard to find clothing made that way. ]

Ah yes, missing an opportunity for ocean monsters to burn holes in the hulls or drag the entire vessel under water. Besides, the salt is bad for my skin.

Yes, yes, boats do exist. But air is safer. And preferable. Why would anyone want to stare at endless expanses of water when they could instead see changing clouds and the landscape below? And the sky doesn't smell.

[slidesrightoff]

It's not just clothes. [Eddie is appalled. Aghast. How dare you not properly appreciate thrift stores, Balthier.] It's about finding the world's coolest, gaudiest gems on sale for $3. Where else can you walk into a store and find a band shirt for a band that broke up a decade ago in mint condition, a bathroom scale that someone covered in fur for some reason, a small statue of frogs doing the can-can, a telephone shaped like an apple, brand new high end sneakers, a book on teaching your cat exorcisms, and a vintage video game for $20? Hmm? Where???

There is nothing not to love about thrift stores as far as Eddie is concerned.

I didn't say you had to do it. We all know you're too vain to be a proper pirate. [Did he say that on purpose? Maybe. Probably. The smile does give it away.] I am just saying that your world is leaving a very lucrative way to take back money from the government on the table.

[portolan]

[ He's doing his best not to full on laugh but he's definitely chuckling, and definitely charmed. ]

Oh? And what are proper pirates like? Do tell. And if you say anything about needing a boat, we cannot be friends anymore.

As to thrift stores, I think you're going to need to take me on this cultural excursion. I imagine I'll lack the nostalgia here for the experience to truly resonate, but I did enjoy flea markets at home. Don't worry, we had plenty of ways to trade and sell outside the government's clutches. Again. Pirate.

[slidesrightoff]

[You better be!!]

They have big hats and cool coats and eyepatches, hook hands, and peg legs. Also parrots are super big. Like... popular big, not like extra-large parrots.

If you didn't already realize I was going to do that, then we cannot be friends anymore.

[portolan]

Oh gods. No thank you. [ Filter had put him under a brief curse that had made him exactly that: giant hat, eye patch, hook for an arm, terrible made-up slang. It was utterly embarrassing. ]

Why don't you be the sea pirate and I'll stay the sky pirate, thanks. [ But he's grinning, because it's nice to have a friend who can tease. ]