metalogs | [Closed] Dividing my head and my heart

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[Closed] Dividing my head and my heart

Who: Jason

reneger and Accelerator

levelshift
What: Just some totally normal, well-balanced people having a totally normal meeting in a totally normal back alley.
When: Mid-July.
Where: The back alleys of Central City.
Content Warnings: Mild physical torture, discussion of a minor acquiring and using weapons (knives, guns). These two talking about almost dying and really dying.

[It's late at night in Central, and Accelerator has found himself down a back alley in one of the sketchier neighbourhoods of the city. It's a place he's pretty familiar with by now, so he isn't giving off any signs of discomfort. Also, he isn't alone.]

Come on, this isn't fucking hard.

[There's a guy with a bloody nose, probably in his mid-to-late twenties, slumped against the wall of a building on the ground, groaning. He's clutching his arm, which is twisted in a few different places. Accelerator is standing in front of him with an exasperated expression. It's kind of a funny scene, this big guy being loomed over by a skinny, albino-looking kid with a crutch in one hand, his other one casually shoved in the pocked of his jeans. The light on his choker is glowing red.

Stalking people isn't something Accelerator can say he specializes in, but he knows enough to have picked up on this loser being a part of some shitty Central gang. Hardly an upstanding member of society, though more of the two-bit criminal variety than some evil mastermind. Which is fine, he has to start somewhere and someone on the low rungs of a gang makes the most sense.

He sighs, raises a foot, and plants it on the goon's chest. Technically there's a couple of centimetres between the sole of his shoe and the guy's chest, as that's where his ability kicks in, but that's a minor detail. All Accelerator has to do is gently press his foot downwards and do a few quick calculations, amplifying the vectors behind the motion to increase the pressure. His automatic reflection prevents the guy's body from closing that tiny distance. It's simple, but effective.

The guy starts flailing a little, and then there's the crunch as a rib cracks. He yelps loudly, looking like he's on the verge of passing out. Accelerator, still looking thoroughly annoyed, rolls his eyes at getting reaction instead of anything useful. He doesn't press down any further, but he also doesn't move his foot, maintaining that pressure on the cracked rib.]

Goddamnit, the last guy was less of a wuss. You people are a pain in the ass, you know that?

[The first one had actually passed out from the pain, and the second one hadn't known anything. Apparently 'third time's the charm' is just wishful thinking.]

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

[Oh.

If he's telling the truth, then that's about as far from Accelerator's initial suspicions as they can get. They're polar opposites. Accelerator isn't sure if he should feel bad for making assumptions (there's still a chance they could be true), but more than that... he's uncomfortable. Really uncomfortable. Who the hell compares him to their brother? Of course, it's not like Jason knows what he's doing, since he doesn't actually know him at all, but that's such a ridiculous, dumb thing to do.

Give him a second, here. He's staring blankly, very what the fuck???]

You don't want to be comparing me to any of your family. [He's spitting that out after a moment.] I'm a piece of shit.

So's my entire family. You think I go around in a mask 'cause I think it's fun? ( it is partially because it's fun. what's more fun than swinging from rooftops and punching asshats in the face? jason certainly enjoys getting to put down the fuckers who deserve it. but it's also--someone has to do it. and that someone just happens to be jason. ) He was raised by assassins. Pretty sure he's tried to kill me at least twice.

( from the soft playful lilt to his tone, accelerator can probably pick out that he's not bothered by that, not at all. jason's almost killed damian for less; he's gotten close with tim for even less than that. so, it's only fair. )

Does it really matter?

[That whole explanation is so ridiculous Accelerator is coming to the conclusion that it must be true, because seriously, who would come up with a lie that outlandish? Though that does mean this guy has an assassin brother his age who tried to kill him multiple times and seems totally fine with it all.

Accelerator doesn't have a family of his own (he refuses to think of Last Order, Yomikawa, and Yoshikawa that way, they deserve better), but he is very certain families aren't supposed to act like this.]

....

[At any rate, it also means that sentiment is genuine, which makes him want to viscerally recoil. Even if his brother is total garbage he's still family, that still has meaning to it. That isn't something he should be encroaching upon.

That's what it feels like, some kind of horrible (scary) encroachment, even though it's Jason making the comparison and he hasn't actually done anything. Accelerator scowls (nothing new there) stubbornly.]

Yeah. All I wanted was to find some bastard who would sell me a gun. Now you're comparing me to family. [It is A Lot for an emotionally stunted, asocial kid to deal with.]

( he's just a kid. a kid with an attitude who, from what jason has seen, is extremely clever. he did some follow up research on accelerator after they parted ways last time, because he doesn't just give guns out to kids who ask for them on the streets, that'd be a really stupid move. and jason, despite airs he might intentionally put on to throw people off, isn't an idiot. he isn't just a brawler, isn't just some guy with guns.

probably isn't the person to be having this talk, either. but he rolls his eyes under his mask, puts both hands on his hips. )

You're a brat who was walking 'round the street asking thugs for guns. Not only is that reckless, it'd be downright stupid for most. But you're not most kids, are you? You're on your own, in a new place, far away from home. An' you're pretty sure you're doing just fine, because you can handle everything on your own.

( a lot of this is guesswork, based on their very limited interactions. jason's usually pretty spot on, he wasn't trained by the world's greatest detective for nothing, but he wouldn't be surprised if he got shit wrong, either. )

I was on my own when I was a lot younger than you, I know what it's like to need something to try and keep yourself safe, 'cause who the fuck knows what the world's going to throw at you next. Doesn't matter what special abilities you've got going on, you've got a weakness you can't hide which means you've gotta make up for it in other ways. Mouthing off, finding a good weapon you can pull out to throw people, being suspicious of everyone who offers a hand 'cause chances are high they're all out to get you. And if they aren't, who gives a shit? You're not out here looking for friends, and it's better to tell everyone to fuck off because chances are always higher their intentions are shit.

[It's a great day when you get to test fire a gun and also get your whole business shoved in your face. Accelerator's scowl doesn't budge an inch except a twitch to one eye.]

What a load of shit.

[It's horribly, uncomfortably accurate. This may in fact be even worse than the time Yomikawa called him out - or maybe it's better? With Yomikawa it was definitely an adult giving a child an afterschool lecture that he absolutely did not want to hear. She had been kind and hopeful and tried to offer him some of that hope, and he had laughed in her face.

(And felt disgusted at himself for doing it, but that's beside the point.)

This isn't going that far, though. Right now all Jason has done is nail down a chunk of his situation. He hasn't done anything else. Accelerator is suspicious, though. His back isn't up against the wall quite yet, but he doesn't enjoy being called out and his default reaction to that is hostility for the exact reason Jason has pointed out. People suck, chances are they want something out of him if they're being kind, so it's easier to reject them right away.

(It has nothing to do with being scared, fuck you Yomikawa.)]

Is this about to turn into a lecture? Or are you saying you're doing all this bullshit because you empathize?

( it's calling himself out more than anything else. jason wasn't superpowered as a kid, but he was a stubborn asshole too who thought every hand held out to him was poisoned. still thinks that most the time. because people are assholes. he's an asshole. )

I don't do lectures. ( he saves those for dick to pull off. would even call him in to figure out a kid he barely knows if he did need one. but nobody needs to have someone talk their asses off and scold them, that's just stupid. ) I'm saying I get it, an' I'm not out to screw you over. If I wanted someone to fuck up, I've got better choices than some scrawny little runt.

( he could go fuck with himself; making a mess of junior's things is always fun. there's rayner, stark, strange--and those are the friendlies who it'd just be fucking with in good fun. there's always gangsters to break open until they beg running around the streets of central, when he's feeling particularly violent. )

[Accelerator doesn't try to correct him, even though being called a scrawny little runt is irritating. It's still better than being treated according to his level.

Not getting a lecture is nice, too. When Yomikawa had done this, part of her reasoning for her whole spiel had been because she used her law enforcement credentials to run a search on him in the Bank and found most of the information on him was locked behind security clearances she didn't have.

He relaxes slightly, though he hasn't stopped scowling. If anything, he's looking a tiny bit more thoughtful.]

... Did you look me up in the Society's database?

[He doubts that's what this is actually about. Jason doesn't seem to have any kind of ulterior motives here, he does seem to be sincere about just wanting to empathize. Accelerator wants to ask regardless, though.]

Would most of your shit even be in their database? I know you haven't been 'round here that long.

( he did follow accelerator, for a bit. found out he's been. . petsitting for chaos gate, in a sense. but jason hasn't gone through the trouble of hacking into the society's shit. if he did, he would have had to ask for tim's help, and he knows where mechanima's skillset lies. best not to fuck with a guy like that without someone to back him up who has a similar skillset, and he's lacking those right now. )

I pulled from my own story.

( which has never been a secret. he'd gone around the streets of gotham, scaring people shitless by ranting and raving about rumors of the red hood being the dead robin who came back angry. he's neither here, it doesn't have the weight. but it's still useful in times like these. )

No. Not most things. [Only a fraction of what he assumes is in Academy City, which is lucky. It was worth asking, at any rate.

He's hesitating, before moving the gun over a little more so he can move to sit at the edge of the table. Despite having gone on about only wanting to buy a gun he's taking a short break from firearm-related things, contemplating everything Jason has told him. Empathy isn't exactly something Accelerator has encountered often in his life, there's no way most people have been through the things he has. This universe hasn't been quite as dire as home, but even then.

It's strange. Maybe he should feel happy or relieved or have some sense of comradery, but he still just feels uncomfortable. It might be because he's never been the type for self-reflection or anything like that? Normally he'd keep on being hostile, since that's how he responds to everything, but he isn't sure if he should do that right now.]

What was your life like, exactly?

I was a street rat, up until some asshole in a furry suit told me to get in his car and trained me to fight crime.

( it's not untrue, it very much oversimplying it and jason is not going to fix it, because he thinks it's funny as shit telling it like this. maybe not the best intro for a kid but clearly this kid can handle himself and he can handle jason's shitty retellings. it's not the details he's really looking for, jason bets, but it's the bits that most people give a shit about. jason todd was nothing, until he was something, and then-- )

Then I died tragically, got buried, an' came back angry.

[Ah, he should have expected such nonsense from someone with a kid brother raised by assassins that tried to kill him twice (minimum). Accelerator is gradually getting used to hearing weird shit from other people, and his own situation is already pretty out there, so he keeps a straight face.]

That's fucked up.

[Which part is he talking about? Who knows. Maybe all of it.]

You seem more like the type of bastard who commits crimes, not fights them.

[Let's start with that.]

Never said I was a good guy, did I?

( has accelerator seen his duffel bag full of knives and guns? does that seem like the kind of shit a hero runs around with? that's fucked up--is right. jason's whole thing is fucked. he's well aware he's fucked up. and that's not even getting into all the other shit that's fucked him over. )

I might've been, once.

[He supposes he can relate to that, kind of. It's not like he started out as a monster.

There isn't much Accelerator remembers about his life when he was really young, but he does he remembers being a fairly normal kid. Or at least, he thinks he used to be like that. One's feelings and reality don't always line up, especially when it's all from the perspective of a little kid.

Either way, it's a big jump going from fighting crime to hauling around big duffel bags full of guns and knives and giving a kid tips on how to torture people in dark alleys. But it's one that isn't totally outlandish to him.]

So, what? Dying changed all of that?

No. I was always rough around the edges. Comes with the whole living on the streets thing. Dying brought perspective.

( and a shitton of psychological trauma, along with the effects the lazarus pit had on him. the anger was his, but how destructive, how loud it was, how intense--jason's not sure if all of that was him. if it's still him, or if it's leftover pit madness. whatever it is, it's part of jason now, and he's learning to work around his temper. somewhat. )

Handling people with kid gloves doesn't get jack shit done. You go one step harder than they do, sometimes two, 'cause a slap on the wrist does nothing. ( and. gesturing down at accelerator's new toy. ) Bring a gun to a knife fight.

Sounds like it was some much-needed perspective to me.

[It isn't surprising they're on the same page, neither of them would be here if that wasn't the case. Sure, there are people who say all of that is overkill, but those people are dumb and wrong.

It also must have been a completely horrible experience, Accelerator is guessing, if only for the simple fact that people generally don't just walk off dying like it's a scraped knee. He didn't after Kihara beat the shit out of him. He for sure didn't walk off being shot in the head.

Though, he isn't sure how similar "almost dying" and "actually dying" are - for all he knows there's a vast gulf between the two, and he's only ever experienced the former.

He frowns a little. It doesn't occur to him that this might be too morbid of a question.]

What was dying like?

( that's a loaded question with several layers of answers and none of them are things he's comfortable touching on, especially with a kid. with all the other bullshit going on, he really doesn't want to talk about it at all anymore, but. )

It hurt.

( is a good summary, even if it--barely touches the surface. jason's death was traumatic, his coming back to life was, the dip in the lazarus pit--was something else entirely. it's all a lot. too much. jason still loses it when he opens up about it. )

[Accelerator is silent in the face of that answer, not wheedling for more information or complaining that all he's getting is two words. Given he swings wildly between too verbose and irritatingly curt, he isn't one to talk. It's an answer, anyways, something he can mull over further later when he has nothing better to do. Namely, when he's off being depressed and getting caught up in overthinking everything.

(It does sound like it might not be all that far off from almost dying, though.)

Anyways, he's figuring that since all of this has been shared with him, he should at least try and reciprocate. A little. He can do that, he's started to do this with Leo and Donnie and the world didn't end.

Accelerator sighs and responds in a very matter-of-fact tone.]

I was shot point-blank in the head. That's where the brain injury comes from. I should've died, the only reason I didn't was because of luck and a really fucking good doctor.

[He had no right surviving that night.]

( he's a kid.

accelerator isn't the only kid he's known who's been through some shit. hell, jason's known many. grew up surrounded by them, knows several kids who lived in crime alley who didn't make it. people don't give a shit, back home. street kids are disposable; several had been picked up and used by some of gotham's worst, only to be thrown out the moment their usefulness was over. jason didn't have it easy, he just got lucky and got an out, even if that out got him killed. jason knows he would have turned out worse, had bruce not picked him up.

but jason hates it anyway. winces, even, because it sucks.

takes a breath in after. )

Some asshole took a crowbar and beat me with it 'til I was so fucked up no one would've recognized me. Left me in a warehouse, an' when I finally pulled myself together enough to try and get out, the bomb he'd planted earlier went off.

[Accelerator sees the wince. His first reaction is that an absolute piece of garbage like himself doesn't deserve it, but then - it's not as if he's brought up the Sisters. It's not as if he's going to bring them up either, so he has to let that go.

He brushes it off, like he brushes off his memories of being shot and everything that came with it (staring down the barrel of the gun, ignoring his instincts telling him to let go of Last Order and put his reflection back up, his legs not working right, all of the blood) and listens to... oh, wow.

Accelerator stares, stunned. He remembers during his first fight with Kihara, getting beaten with a metal pipe. He remembers a grenade going off during the second one. An entire beatdown consisting of ten times that brutality? No wonder he didn't make it.]

Shit.

[The worst part of all of that, though, is the very last part.]

You were conscious enough to realize how fucked you were? [He must've been terrified.]

Conscious until the bomb went off.

( that's not even getting into the--his birth mother that he didn't know he had a few days prior was the one who sold him out and also died in the warehouse with him, after watching him get the shit beaten out of him. how they were so close to getting out, only to finding out moments before the timer hit zero that the door was locked. how jason waited for bruce to show up and save him from the joker, how he tried to save his mother, how he--he expected bruce to get there on time, and then he was gone. how he was fifteen, smaller than accelerator is now, and full of hope he could do better. how one stupid, shit dream of finding his birth mother might change--something, anything, but all it did was remind him people are shit. )

Hand over the gun. ( hand out, palm up. )

....

[Yep, that sucks. Being conscious up until the very last second sucks, he knows this for a fact.

He blinks at that, put will pick up the gun and hand it over. Right, this whole conversation was probably a giant mood killer? Though, if anything, it's making him feel more motivated to keep practicing.]

( jason picks it up, presses the magazine release to get it to fall out onto the palm of his other hand, and flips it over in hand. )

I'll get an extended mag release to make it easier to pop it out for you. Might extend out the barrel some for increased velocity, but I don't think you'll need it. But more power never hurt. I can get a mounting plate to install a reflex sight, if you think it'd be useful.

I'll be okay without a sight. [More like, he wants to be able to rely on his own judgement when it comes to aiming.] The rest of that sounds fine, though.

[He stares down at the gun.]

I still want to pay you for the fucking thing. Or at least trade. Just because I'm fifteen doesn't mean I can't do something for you. Fair's fair.

We'll call it an IOU. If I need something done in Central an' I'm not around, I'll ring you in. Sounds fair?

( chances of that happening are--not as slim as the usual 'favors' jason would ask for as an iou. most his family is here, and jason isn't. intentionally, but if something happens in a rush and his favorite teleporter isn't available--accelerator could be useful. )

When you get back to your place later, text me your thigh and hip width. I'll get you a holster with room for an extra magazine, make it easier to pop the new one in if you run out in the first one. ( and-- ) I can make it stealthy. Look less like it's for a gun, more for you to keep your shit in. I'll even put a wallet pocket on it.

Fine.

[It's probably the best he's going to get out of the guy, so he'll take it. God, being nice is so exhausting.

A holster isn't something he's thought about, and he shrugs like it's no big deal.]

Yeah, sure. Are we gonna do this again, then? I still need more practice.

[Also it's been kind of fun, but God forbid he say that out loud.]

[Closed] Dividing my head and my heart

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