metalogs | If madness overtakes us both [Open]

Awww, it's just because she wanted to eat with you!

[It's sweet! And of course Accelerator, ungrateful lout that he is, isn't appreciating it.

Or maybe he is, but he just has to act like such a cool guy all the time...]

It's cute, you know? It's like you have a little sister.

[Leo is delighted with all of this. Accelerator needs someone like this in his life. And the dunking is pretty hilarious.]

[Accelerator maintains his grumpiness, the corner of one eye even twitching at Leo calling Last Order a little sister.]

She's just someone I keep an eye on, that's all. Everyone gets pushed around by some younger brat at some point in their life. I don't treat her like family.

[He waves a hand at the whole scene. His behaviour hadn't been that bad so far, just typical Accelerator surliness that Last Order is doing an excellent job of barreling through, but he remembers where the conversation goes. It doesn't last, he ruins it, because that's just who he is.

“…You know what?” Accelerator removed his hand from the heated hot plate. “I shoulda probably asked yesterday, but you’ve got nerves of steel, you know that? Don’t you know what I did to all of you? Wasn’t it painful? Distressing? Brutal? Humiliating?”

Just before the experiment ended, after the Level 0 had intervened in the fight at the switchyard, he thought he could feel the one Sister (whom he seemed to be calling Misaka Imouto) glaring at him with hostility.

Did they not acquire actual human fear and emotion at that time? Or was that limited only to Misaka Imouto herself?

“Weeelll, Misaka has a brain-wave link with all 9,969 other Misakas, so she’s mentally connected with them.”

“Yeah? And?”

“There’s this mental network that creates those brain-wave links, says Misaka as Misaka explains to you.”

“You mean like a collective unconsciousness or whatever?”

“Well, it’s a little different, says Misaka as Misaka corrects you. The link and individual Misaka’s relationship is like that of synapses and brain cells, says Misaka as Misaka gives an example. It would be correct to say that there is a giant brain called the Misaka Network and that it controls all of the Misakas, says Misaka as Misaka explains to you.”

Accelerator fell silent.

Last Order, however, continued on with her explanation.

“When an individual Misaka dies, the Misaka Network itself doesn’t disappear, says Misaka as Misaka continues the explanation. Going with the brain analogy, Misakas are the cells, and the brain-wave links are like the synapses that convey information between cells. If a cell is destroyed, then the memories experienced go away, so it does hurt, but the Misaka Network can’t be completely destroyed until the very last Misaka goes away—”

Accelerator was overcome with a sense of hatred, like the kind one would get if a giant spider was looking at them. Not because this person was scary, of course. He could kill her instantly. Right at this moment. He’d killed ten thousand of them, after all. Given time, he could hunt the rest down.

But that wasn’t it.

There was something more fundamentally different. This girl, wrestling with the food on her plate—it was like she was built entirely differently from humans, like an alien…

“—At least that was what Misaka thought, but Misaka thinks Misaka has changed her mind.”

“?”

“Misaka learned something new, and that’s a Misaka’s worth, says Misaka as Misaka is confident. There is value in each individual Misaka’s life and not Misaka as a whole. Nobody can replace a Misaka. If Misaka were to die, then there would be people who would cry for Misaka, says Misaka as Misaka asserts proudly. So Misaka won’t die anymore. Not even one more can die, says Misaka as Misaka believes that.”

So she said, in a human way, looking into Accelerator’s eyes with human directness.

She had declared one thing: that she would never forgive what Accelerator did.

It was a proclamation of hatred. An announcement that Last Order would never forget about that time as long as she lived.

“Haah…”

Accelerator unconsciously slumped deep down into the back of his chair and, looking up at the ceiling, breathed a sigh.

He didn’t know.

He had known that they had emotions this whole time, but…no one had ever come face-to-face with him and denounced him on the spot. That’s why Accelerator didn’t understand their pain. And those Sisters, whom he’d treated as puppets until now, were humans. They could feel that sort of pain—and he hadn’t realized that until everything was over.

“—”

Accelerator opened his mouth. He moved his mouth. But no words came out of his mouth.

He had none to say.]

Yeah, uh, pretty sure that's just a you problem, Accy.

[Seriously, not everyone gets pushed around by a little kid...

But before they can continue that debate, the little girl is explaining how the Misakas work. A lot of the explanation flies over Leo's head, if he's being honest, but the ending... he definitely understood that.

The little girl is asserting the worth of the clones. That every single one of them was a person, was valuable, and that their deaths are tragedies.

Right to Accelerator's face.

He watches as the dream Accelerator sags in his seat, sighs and says nothing. Then he glances back at the real Accelerator to gauge his reaction.]

[Accelerator clicks his tongue in annoyance. He doesn't believe that at all, kids have some weird power that makes everyone a pushover when you get down to it.

Regardless, listening to the rest of this conversation is hard. It had been difficult when he first experienced it, and hearing it a second time when he knows how shitty his behaviour is makes it even harder. Shifting in his chair, he turns away slightly, refusing to look at the dream versions of himself and Last Order.

“But Misaka is grateful to you, says Misaka as Misaka tells the truth. If you weren’t around, the experiment would have never formed and the declining Radio Noise project wouldn’t have been picked up again by someone else, says Misaka as Misaka explains to you. You were savior and killer, Eros and Thanatos, life and death—Misaka has no doubt that you’re the one to thank for the lifeless Misakas gaining souls, says Misaka as Misaka is grateful.”

So she said.

Her voice was soft, as if welcoming him.

That irritated him.

For some reason, it really ticked him off.

“The hell?” began Accelerator in a low voice. “That makes absolutely no logical sense. You’d need a shit-ton of apathy to accept that life is just a zero-sum game where people are born and people die, and that’s it. Either way, it doesn’t change that I was killing all of you. I had fun. I was happy about it. I wanted to do it!”

“That’s a lie, says Misaka as Misaka denies your words. Misaka doesn’t think you wanted to be in the experiment at all, says Misaka as Misaka surmises.”]

[Nope, pretty sure it's still just Accelerator ~~said like he isn't going to get pushed around by his "baby" brother soon enough~~.

Leo listens to the little girl speak quietly. It's an interesting perspective. He's not sure how much he agrees, but it's not really on him to debate how she feels about it, especially since she isn't actually here. Incredibly, Leo can stay in his own lane when he feels like it.

Besides, what's more interesting to him is how Accelerator reacts.

Right now, his dream self is insisting that he wanted to do it. Leo feels sure that's BS and this is just his self-loathing kicking in, but he's interested to hear how the girl handles it.

Which is by calling him out, apparently. Man, Leo likes her.

Accelerator, meanwhile, is doing his best to ignore the dream conversation. Leo doesn't pull him back for now, just staying quiet and listening.]

[Accelerator, the real one, shakes his head slowly.]

That brat doesn't know what she's talking about. She's being way too kind.

[He's mumbling that quietly. This is the worst part of the memory - dream - whatever. If it had been the two of them just bickering over the food it would've been tolerable, but having this conversation - Last Order trying to put him in a better light - it hurts to hear. It's wrong.

That messed with his thoughts even more.

He’d understand it if she started crying and hitting him and telling him off. Last Order shouldn’t have had any reason whatsoever to defend him at this point.

The inexplicable situation began to put him on edge.

“Wait a second. You’ve gotta be modifying your memories so it’s more convenient or somethin’. You can’t say stuff like that without glorifying some part of it somewhere. Besides, did it look like they were making me do anything against my will? Your life meant shit to me as long as I could keep going on with the experiment. End of story,” he finished in an almost admonishing tone of voice.

Meanwhile, he was confused about why he seemed to want to look down upon himself like that.

“That isn’t true, says Misaka as Misaka argues with you. If it was, why’d you start talking to the Misakas during the experiment? says Misaka as Misaka makes that inquiry.”

Last Order was not to be dismayed. Her words continued coming at him.

She was like a sweet older sister giving him a talk.

“Think back and remember what happened, says Misaka as Misaka pleads with you. You talked to Misaka a whole bunch of times, but why? says Misaka as Misaka wants to know, even though the answer is clear.”

Accelerator didn’t have anything to say for a moment.

The reason he talked to the Sisters…He didn’t know it, either.
“If you think about it calmly, all of it sounded strange, says Misaka as Misaka analyzes further. The reason people want to talk to others is because they want to understand them or to be understood—basically you want to connect with them, and if you just wanted to kill us so that the experiment worked out, then you wouldn’t have decided to talk to us, says Misaka as Misaka makes her point.”

“…Eh? What part of what I said sounds at all like I wanted to connect with anyone!?”

“Yes, that’s the second strange part, says Misaka as Misaka puts up a second finger. Every single thing you said was completely abusive toward Misaka, so it ends up being far away from wanting to connect with them, says Misaka as Misaka continues on.”

“But…,” she said.

“…What if you said those words in the hope that Misaka would deny them?”

“What?” Accelerator stopped.

“You always asserted yourself before the experiments…before battle, says Misaka as Misaka recalls. Almost like you were trying to scare Misaka and almost like you wanted to make Misaka say she didn’t want to fight anymore, says Misaka as Misaka depicts.”

“Huh?” He caught his breath.

“The Misakas didn’t catch on to those signs—they didn’t notice them even one time, says Misaka as Misaka feels regretful about it. But what if, hypothetically, Misaka had said she didn’t want to fight? says Misaka as Misaka is talking about a choice for something that’s already over.”

“...”]

[Leo listens to this examination of Accelerator quietly. This is getting pretty heavy…

It makes sense, though, with what he knows about Accelerator. Accelerator said he just participated in the experiment to get stronger, but Leo and Donnie both have suspected that’s not the true reason. Listening to the Misaka clone now, he thinks it must be true - that Accelerator was looking for an excuse to stop. He was hoping one of the girls would beg him for mercy.

He’s sure Accelerator would deny it, but Leo has seen his nightmares first hand. He thinks Accelerator is too harsh on himself.

He still stands by what he said before, when Accelerator first told them the truth: that Accelerator should avoid killing anyone again, not if he doesn’t absolutely have to. Living his life with this kind of bloodshed isn’t healthy for him, even if he insists it’s all he’s good for.]

…Seems to me like she knows exactly what she’s talking about.

She doesn't. [Accelerator's response is coming immediately, sounding almost angry. As much as he tries to avoid talking about it most of the time, right now he's being as blunt as possible, not bothering to sugarcoat any of it.] I had killed over ten thousand of the Sisters at this point. I was over halfway through the experiment. If #10 032 had come and told me she was scared and that she didn't want to die -

[He pauses, and shakes his head.]

... I still tried to kill her, even though she's probably the first one who would have refused to die if she had been given the chance to say anything. Just asking me to stop wasn't enough at that point.

[He looks thoroughly disgusted with himself, and he feels it. Like his insides are all rotten. He throws his dream self a disdainful glare.]

That's what I'm thinking right then.

[“…Fuckin’ hell,” he cursed, closing his eyes and turning his head toward the ceiling.

That was all he had to say.

He could whitewash it all he wanted—he was by no means a good person. He just had to think over what happened at the switchyard. The Sister saved by that Level 0 would have refused to die for the experiment, but Accelerator tried to kill her anyway. He couldn’t deny that. Nobody could.

There was nothing from Last Order. He wondered what sort of face she was making right now. His eyes remained closed, still closed, still closed…and he realized something was off.

No matter how long he waited, Last Order didn’t say anything.

The moment he opened his eyes in doubt, he heard a dull sound. Last Order had collapsed onto the table in front of them. Not on her food or anything, but her spoon was stuck between her forehead and the table.

He could tell at a glance it wasn’t just because she was sleepy or tired. The strength in her body seemed like it was all gone. Her muted breath sounded to his ears like the panting of a stray dog. It was as though she’d come down with a fever.

“Hey?”

“Ahaha…,” laughed Last Order in a voice that sounded exhausted. “Well, Misaka wanted to get in contact with the scientists before Misaka got to this point, says Misaka as Misaka forces a dizzy smile.”

“...”

“Misaka’s serial number is 20001, the last one, says Misaka as Misaka explains to you. Misaka’s body is still in an incomplete state, so Misaka really shouldn’t have been let out of the incubator, says Misaka as Misaka sighs.”

“…”

“But somehow, some way, Misaka is using every trick in the book to get through it, so Misaka thinks she is okay, says Misaka as Misaka thinks that. Misaka wonders why?” she said in an extremely unhurried tone, seeming to be on the verge of fainting.

It almost looked like if she lost consciousness like this, she wouldn’t ever open her eyes again.

“Hey!”

“…Hm? What, what, what is it? says Misaka as Misaka questions you.”

There were three seconds before she gave her response.

She just kept smiling.

She started to sweat profusely like she was sick, but she was still smiling at him.

Accelerator’s face began to lose its expression, his emotion steadily draining away.

Despite their encounter, it wasn’t as if he could do anything. He had the strongest power in Academy City, but that’s all it was. He couldn’t protect anyone with it. Even if someone begged him for help, all he could do with his power was shut himself in, alone, trembling miserably, in what amounted to a nuclear shelter. He couldn’t protect. He couldn’t save. He’d always survive alone at the end. He could only watch as everything around him was destroyed. Just like when his room was ravaged. Just like how this girl was now collapsed before him.

“...”

Accelerator stood up from his seat without a word. Last Order looked at him without moving.

“Huh? Where are you going? says Misaka as Misaka wants to know. We still have food left.”

“Yeah, I think I lost my appetite.”

“Okay…Misaka wanted to thank them for the food, though, says Misaka as Misaka sighs.”

“Yeah? That’s too bad.”

Accelerator grabbed the bill, his expression cold as ice, and walked toward the register.

Leaving Last Order behind.]

Edited 2023-08-10 22:10 (UTC)

[He says that like he's sure, and Leo just sighs. Maybe he's right. Leo doesn't really believe it, but he wasn't there. He only knows Accelerator now, after the doubts have firmly rooted in his mind.

It's like the girl said: they're mulling over a choice for something that's already over.

Speaking of the girl, she's sick - or rather, she's lost energy for some reason. Not incubating long enough? Leo doesn't really understand it, but it sounds bad.

And Accelerator... walks away.

Ah...]

You left her there?

[Accelerator just watches himself go up to the counter to pay, his dream self not even looking back. His entire body is tense and there's an uncomfortable feeling in his stomach, like his inside are all twisted together.

It's more disgust. To say he hates himself would be a huge understatement.]

Of course I did. That's the kind of person I am.

No it's not.

[Leo looks away from the dream girl, reaching out and putting a hand on Accelerator's shoulder.]

You stayed with me when my arm was broken, even though you didn't have to. You came to help Donnie when I called for you.

[He made bad choices, Leo can't deny that, but he's changing. Slowly, but he's doing it.]

[Waving Leo's hand off, he's quick to stand up. Unless this dream wants them to keep on following his dream self, there isn't much else here, and everything seems a little frozen once the bill has been paid, so he's betting this is it.]

I did the bare fucking minimum that anyone who isn't a complete monster would do, you mean. And none of it comes even close to making up for the things I've done. It's a speck compared to that shit.

Yeah, well, specks are what you have to work with, unless you get a chance to save the entire world at once.

[Leo's done it twice, technically, but it's not like those kinds of opportunities just turn up every other day!]

Sheesh, Accy, I know you're all emo and stuff, but I'm telling you, you're better than that. You can be better than that.

[Even if an opportunity like that presented itself (and it sort of did, with Amai's virus), Accelerator wouldn't accept it as paying off the debt he's accrued.]

That's a load of bullshit and you know it. I can't change who I am. You've got the same problem Last Order does, you're way too fucking kind.

Yeah, well, what’s wrong with that?

[He glances back at the girl, frozen in place now as the memory ends, then looks back at Accelerator.]

It’s easy to be a bad person. You need to be strong to be kind. That’s why I don’t think you’re gonna be rid of her.

[Even if he leaves her here this time.]

Tche.

[Leo is right about one thing, despite leaving Last Order here he doesn't actually get rid of her.]

I don't, but it's not out of any sense of kindness. [He will forever deny this.] With the experiment permanently shut down the brat had nowhere to go, so I help babysit her. That's all.

[If anything, he does it out of guilt okay. Totally not kindness.]

Ooooh?

[Leo can't help but grin at that. He leans into Accelerator's space again.]

So she is like a little sister! Hah, I knew it.

[Sorry, but he's already upgraded her from "brat I babysit sometimes" to "little sister" in his head.]

[Omigawd, Leo is promptly getting a hand shoved in his face.]

Are you even fucking listening to me??

[She is absolutely his sister he's just forever denying it.]

[He just laughs even as that hand is stuck in his face. If Accelerator doesn't move it fast enough he'll lick it.]

I'm listening to you! But I'm listening to her, too.

[He throws an arm around Accelerator's shoulders, even if he's trying to dodge.]

You're going to get good influenced whether you want to or not.

[Accelerator is, thankfully, pulling his hand away. He doesn't need to deal with his hand getting licked on top of everything else, and he's just barely tolerating the arm over his shoulders.]

You're really fucking annoying, you know that?

[Ugh, he knows he's getting good influenced. He hates it.]

[Embrace it!]

Yeah, I get that a lot.

[He just doesn't care!]

[He clicks his tongue in irritation, then pauses.]

... Don't tell anyone about this. Her. There are a lot of powerful people out there who want to use her. The fewer people know she exists the safer it is for her.

I won’t.

[He can be serious about that much.]

No one deserves to be treated like a tool, no matter who they are.

[He doesn’t care if she started out as a clone, she’s still a person with feelings.]

Good.

[He will kill you if you squeal, Leo. This is serious.

He relaxes a little, anyways, as the dream starts crumbling into blackness.]

... Thanks.

[He won't! He can take things seriously.]

No problem, Accy. [Leo gives him another light hair ruffle, grinning big.] I'm your friend, remember?

[Which is the last thing he says before he disappears along with the end of the dream.]

If madness overtakes us both [Open]

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