Dickie, the kid who never stayed in one place until he moved into the manor? And Rayner, who has the power to go anywhere either of you would ever want to go?
[It's not that they couldn't understand, though he knows it's different for Jason. That a lot of it has to do with the fact that he has a lot of pent up anger that he needs to let out, but no good outlets other than himself.]
[Which he's absolutely certain a therapist would have a field day with.]
What I mean is that Dickie probably understands more than you think he would, even if not for the same reasons. And Kyle might. But it means doing something you're going to hate doing.
( jason rolls his eyes, idly throwing the helmet up before catching it in his palm. )
You know that's not what I meant. You've always had family. ( dick's parents were--well, parents. and bruce is an emotionally constipated asshole, but he's pretty sure even when they were bitching at each other, dick knew he could lean on him. he had friends he could rely on, when he and bruce were busy getting into scream matches with each other.
jason's used to fucking off from everything when shit gets too rough to manage. he's used to watching what support system he has built up get destroyed because he wasn't fast enough, he wasn't good enough to keep them from getting hurt. and that's when he's even managed to find people who'll stick around. he either watches it crumble in front of him, or jason purposefully destroys it to avoid the heartbreak of having something else fuck everything up for him.
it's not about the place. it's about the people. about sticking around consistently enough to get attached, and how easily that can be taken advantage of - either by them or the people jason manages to piss off enough that they go looking for his weak spots. and he knows dick knows that. maybe not--jason's exact hangups, but something close. they've all been used against each other at some point or another. hell, he and tim have been told to fight to the death with damian and co being used as hostages. and without hostages. and it wasn't even jason's idea. )
[Dick gives the bit about having family an acknowledging tilt of his head, but it's also not the important part.]
[People had failed Jason, yes, but he spent as much time chasing them away as he ever had trying to accept it. And it's not like Dick doesn't understand where it comes from, same as Jason does. Being abandoned so often in your formative years is tough to reset yourself from. Even if some of the abandonment wasn't something that could really be helped.]
[Addiction, after all, is a terrible thing and not something easily gotten rid of.]
[The last has Dick setting his helmet aside, just so he has both hands free to put on Jason's shoulders.]
You can. Or, at least, you're going to have to try. [A pause.] Well, you're going to have to try with Kyle. Dickie...even at that age, I'm sure he's like me. He's stubborn enough that he won't give up easily. He'll wait and he'll wait until you're ready, even if it never happens.
But Kyle? Kyle's a good kid. Somehow, through everything the world and the Oa have thrown at him. He's powerful beyond anything we can really comprehend because he has a great imagination. Something that can also be turned against him. If you don't tell him the reasons, he'll come up with them on his own.
( jason's jaw clenches tight when dick's hand lands on his left shoulder, but it's--a healing wound, it isn't a big deal, and he works to try and hide it. the worser part of all of this is dick being right in his face and not leaving jason much room to avoid his gaze. he can handle it. maybe. )
You know Rayner's older than you, right? He's not a kid. ( neither is jason and he knows damn well that doesn't stop dick from referring to him as such. but jason'd also argue that he knows kyle pretty damn well by now; knows he's a petty little bitch at times, knows his head likes to work against him. has seen some of the refrigerators skeletons lurking around in the dark corners of his psyche. ) Kyle knows I'm an asshole. Dickie's--I'm more worried 'bout him. I know he's a stubborn brat who doesn't give up. But I also know he'd shoved his way right into my bullshit an' all I've done is fuck up and offer him promises I've broken now. He's just a kid. I knew I shouldn't've let him in.
[You wish you hid it that well, Jason. It causes Dick's eyes to narrow, but he lightens his touch, first on the right shoulder, then the left. And then removes the hand from the left shoulder because he's GOOD at body language.]
[He snorts, shaking his head.] I know Kyle's older. That doesn't stop my brain categorizing him as a kid. The dangers of being in this game for nearly two thirds of your life.
[Just like Jason is a kid. Both of them. And the Tim. And his younger self. But at least two of those ARE actually kids.]
You told yourself you were going to be a better person for him. And some part of that scared you enough that you ran. [Because, sometimes, Dick has done that, too.] He knows that adults don't always keep their promises, you know. What matters is that you admit that and maybe think about making some promises you can keep. Like if you run, you stay in touch.
( he doesn't like dick just reading him like that. not the physical shit, although jason knows he noticed that, too, but the--response. jason's scared of fucking everything up again. of getting people involved with him and watching them get hurt because of it, because it always happens. if it's not jason getting fucked over, it's them.
jason's quiet for a minute, and then he's--leaning forward closer to dick, to press his forehead against his shoulder. it's not a hug, but it's not not one either; it's about as close as they're going to get right now from jason initiating it at least. when he speaks up, his voice is soft, quiet. )
[Dick holds his breath for a moment, because this is the first time in far too long that Jason's let himself be vulnerable with him.]
[He lets out a slow breath, reaching up with his free hand to place it on the back of Jason's head. Just for a moment. Just so he knows he's not being pushed away, but letting him know he's safe, too.]
[A hug would be awkward from this position, but he could manage it.]
You're a fuck up, Little Wing, not THE fuck up. We just all do it in different ways. And that's probably not going to change because the amount of therapy we all need is astronomical.
[After all, TJ isn't even talking to Dick right now. So it's not like they aren't both fuck ups.]
And you're allowed to fuck up. As long as you're working toward fucking up less.
( he's still leaning into dick. jason'll move here in a few moments, but for now, it's nice not to have to hold up his own weight for a little while. to put it on dick instead. they're in a public space which just makes this even more awkward, but jason's dealing with it. he'll--get over it. maybe. for now?
he's letting out a sigh with a shudder, keeping his head down. )
But 'm definitely the fuck up. You guys fuck up, it's fine. I fuck up, I get chased down and accused of murders I didn't do and get told to fuck off. Everyone loves you. Hell, I'm betting you could get away with murder if it really came down to it.
( dick could come home covered in blood and no one would give a fuck. but that's--irrelevant, he doesn't need to get into his bitter bullshit. so jason shakes his head. drops it. )
[Dick goes quiet for a few moments, ignoring any looks their direction. Really, it's probably not the weirdest thing people in this city have seen, after all. And maybe a few of the boys will see it and realize that they can be vulnerable, too.]
[The mention of getting away with murder doesn't quite make him flinch. But it touches on a few things that he doesn't think about. Things that aren't really part of his past, but are because of Barry Allen.]
I'm not B. I can see that you're trying. I'm just...not always in a place where I can help with that, either.
[He's only human. He has limits.]
You're my brother. I know I don't say that often enough, but you are family. You HAVE family. And when you need me, I will do my best to be there to help catch you.
( and he does. tim's had his back when jason thought he was fucked all on his own. he knows that even if jason pisses them all off--if he gets into shit, they'll do their damned best to get him out of it. he'd argue he doesn't deserve it, given all the shit he's pulled over the years. but jason also knows it isn't about who deserves what. even if he's legally dead, legally nothing to them, none of them have ever given two shits about that. )
Came over here, didn't I?
( he went to dick, when he needed help with figuring his shit out. even if he hates the answer dick's given him. )
( dick pats at him, and jason takes that as a good enough cue to pull back entirely, raising his right hand up to semi-straighten out his hair. it's getting a little too long - long enough it's starting to curl towards the ends, so it's always a little messy, but. he can shove it out of the way at least. )
Don't mention it. ( a pause, before he offers a little half-grin. ) Really. Or else.
( jason, usually, knows when to fight and when to drop it. hell, he's--been getting along better with dick and the rest, in comparison to when he first came back. the bit with junior's a new mess, but it doesn't necessarily apply to the rest of them, either. it's fine. mostly. )
I can figure out Kyle. 's not like he's gonna be surprised. Wouldn't be the first time I've fucked off on him. Hell, or the second.
( his multiversal adventure was during a rough time. )
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no subject
Dickie, the kid who never stayed in one place until he moved into the manor? And Rayner, who has the power to go anywhere either of you would ever want to go?
[It's not that they couldn't understand, though he knows it's different for Jason. That a lot of it has to do with the fact that he has a lot of pent up anger that he needs to let out, but no good outlets other than himself.]
[Which he's absolutely certain a therapist would have a field day with.]
What I mean is that Dickie probably understands more than you think he would, even if not for the same reasons. And Kyle might. But it means doing something you're going to hate doing.
no subject
You know that's not what I meant. You've always had family. ( dick's parents were--well, parents. and bruce is an emotionally constipated asshole, but he's pretty sure even when they were bitching at each other, dick knew he could lean on him. he had friends he could rely on, when he and bruce were busy getting into scream matches with each other.
jason's used to fucking off from everything when shit gets too rough to manage. he's used to watching what support system he has built up get destroyed because he wasn't fast enough, he wasn't good enough to keep them from getting hurt. and that's when he's even managed to find people who'll stick around. he either watches it crumble in front of him, or jason purposefully destroys it to avoid the heartbreak of having something else fuck everything up for him.
it's not about the place. it's about the people. about sticking around consistently enough to get attached, and how easily that can be taken advantage of - either by them or the people jason manages to piss off enough that they go looking for his weak spots. and he knows dick knows that. maybe not--jason's exact hangups, but something close. they've all been used against each other at some point or another. hell, he and tim have been told to fight to the death with damian and co being used as hostages. and without hostages. and it wasn't even jason's idea. )
I don't--can't do what I know you're suggesting.
( this is a struggle as is. )
no subject
[People had failed Jason, yes, but he spent as much time chasing them away as he ever had trying to accept it. And it's not like Dick doesn't understand where it comes from, same as Jason does. Being abandoned so often in your formative years is tough to reset yourself from. Even if some of the abandonment wasn't something that could really be helped.]
[Addiction, after all, is a terrible thing and not something easily gotten rid of.]
[The last has Dick setting his helmet aside, just so he has both hands free to put on Jason's shoulders.]
You can. Or, at least, you're going to have to try. [A pause.] Well, you're going to have to try with Kyle. Dickie...even at that age, I'm sure he's like me. He's stubborn enough that he won't give up easily. He'll wait and he'll wait until you're ready, even if it never happens.
But Kyle? Kyle's a good kid. Somehow, through everything the world and the Oa have thrown at him. He's powerful beyond anything we can really comprehend because he has a great imagination. Something that can also be turned against him. If you don't tell him the reasons, he'll come up with them on his own.
no subject
You know Rayner's older than you, right? He's not a kid. ( neither is jason and he knows damn well that doesn't stop dick from referring to him as such. but jason'd also argue that he knows kyle pretty damn well by now; knows he's a petty little bitch at times, knows his head likes to work against him. has seen some of the
refrigeratorsskeletons lurking around in the dark corners of his psyche. ) Kyle knows I'm an asshole. Dickie's--I'm more worried 'bout him. I know he's a stubborn brat who doesn't give up. But I also know he'd shoved his way right into my bullshit an' all I've done is fuck up and offer him promises I've broken now. He's just a kid. I knew I shouldn't've let him in.no subject
[He snorts, shaking his head.] I know Kyle's older. That doesn't stop my brain categorizing him as a kid. The dangers of being in this game for nearly two thirds of your life.
[Just like Jason is a kid. Both of them. And the Tim. And his younger self. But at least two of those ARE actually kids.]
You told yourself you were going to be a better person for him. And some part of that scared you enough that you ran. [Because, sometimes, Dick has done that, too.] He knows that adults don't always keep their promises, you know. What matters is that you admit that and maybe think about making some promises you can keep. Like if you run, you stay in touch.
no subject
jason's quiet for a minute, and then he's--leaning forward closer to dick, to press his forehead against his shoulder. it's not a hug, but it's not not one either; it's about as close as they're going to get right now from jason initiating it at least. when he speaks up, his voice is soft, quiet. )
I don't want to be the fuck up anymore.
no subject
[He lets out a slow breath, reaching up with his free hand to place it on the back of Jason's head. Just for a moment. Just so he knows he's not being pushed away, but letting him know he's safe, too.]
[A hug would be awkward from this position, but he could manage it.]
You're a fuck up, Little Wing, not THE fuck up. We just all do it in different ways. And that's probably not going to change because the amount of therapy we all need is astronomical.
[After all, TJ isn't even talking to Dick right now. So it's not like they aren't both fuck ups.]
And you're allowed to fuck up. As long as you're working toward fucking up less.
no subject
( he's still leaning into dick. jason'll move here in a few moments, but for now, it's nice not to have to hold up his own weight for a little while. to put it on dick instead. they're in a public space which just makes this even more awkward, but jason's dealing with it. he'll--get over it. maybe. for now?
he's letting out a sigh with a shudder, keeping his head down. )
But 'm definitely the fuck up. You guys fuck up, it's fine. I fuck up, I get chased down and accused of murders I didn't do and get told to fuck off. Everyone loves you. Hell, I'm betting you could get away with murder if it really came down to it.
( dick could come home covered in blood and no one would give a fuck. but that's--irrelevant, he doesn't need to get into his bitter bullshit. so jason shakes his head. drops it. )
I'm trying.
no subject
[The mention of getting away with murder doesn't quite make him flinch. But it touches on a few things that he doesn't think about. Things that aren't really part of his past, but are because of Barry Allen.]
I'm not B. I can see that you're trying. I'm just...not always in a place where I can help with that, either.
[He's only human. He has limits.]
You're my brother. I know I don't say that often enough, but you are family. You HAVE family. And when you need me, I will do my best to be there to help catch you.
no subject
( and he does. tim's had his back when jason thought he was fucked all on his own. he knows that even if jason pisses them all off--if he gets into shit, they'll do their damned best to get him out of it. he'd argue he doesn't deserve it, given all the shit he's pulled over the years. but jason also knows it isn't about who deserves what. even if he's legally dead, legally nothing to them, none of them have ever given two shits about that. )
Came over here, didn't I?
( he went to dick, when he needed help with figuring his shit out. even if he hates the answer dick's given him. )
no subject
Yeah. Yeah, you did.
[Another pause.]
And thank you. For giving me a chance to help.
no subject
Don't mention it. ( a pause, before he offers a little half-grin. ) Really. Or else.
no subject
I won't mention it except to you.
[Tim knows that Jason was there, and will be able to notice that Dick's not bruised all to hell. But Jason doesn't ALWAYS fight with him.]
Now. You just need to figure out what you're going to tell Kyle.
no subject
I can figure out Kyle. 's not like he's gonna be surprised. Wouldn't be the first time I've fucked off on him. Hell, or the second.
( his multiversal adventure was during a rough time. )