metalogs | OPEN | Paint Yourself A New Life

Entry tags:

OPEN | Paint Yourself A New Life

Who: David Alleyne

helpdesk_hero, Mina Ashido

pinkxeno, Harry Osborn

nepotis, Bucky Barnes

sinistral
What: David Has Many Meetings (Including Open Post)
When: [Forward Dated] April 1st through 5th
Where: Excelsior - Guild Housing #1, Excelsior - Connoisseur Coffee,
Content Warnings: Only in Thread Labeled V - Seeking Comfort: discussion of murder of children, attempted suicide, David's death, hate crimes

I. A Home Of Clashing Styles | Closed to Mina Ashido | Excelsior - Guild Housing #1
David had been living in the guild apartment for a month now, or just a shade over, and all that time he'd been holding his tongue. Beyond introducing himself to Mina when he'd first moved in at the start of March, he had not engaged with the young woman much, and definitely didn't stay long in the public spaces of their shared home. How could he when he was faced with the absolute disaster of the appearance? A living room painted electric green with zebra stripes? Horrid. A kitchen filled with insanely colorful and not always matching touches and appliances? Oh god. Even the small touches of decoration in the public spaces made David try not to wince.

Honestly, he hadn't even invited his boyfriend over because of the state of things. Most days he just came home from work or other things, walked in the door, visibly winced, and went right to his room or attached lab. But today, as he came back from the office in full business wear, vest and long sleeve shirt and tie and all of that. And walking in like that, with his back pack and a bag of groceries for him to cook dinner, he just couldn't take it anymore.

"Just... do it like an adult," he told himself before lifting his voice, hoping it would carry to wherever his housemate was.

"Mina, can we talk for a moment?"

II. Looking At The Moving Pieces | Closed to Bucky | Excelsior - Guild Housing #1
The weekend. David made a hard and fast rule to not go into the office on weekends, which made it the perfect sort of time for outside consultations. Today was one of those instances. After a previously successful first meeting with one Bucky Barnes (because of course David had recognized the man for who he had to be) back in March, today was going to be the first full check over, for the two of them to determine if David would be a good emergency tech for the man.

David waited in the living room for the knock at the door, knowing he'd have to let the former Winter Soldier choose his own pace at being comfortable with his arrival. What what little first hand knowledge that had been shared with him by people back home, he imagined the man would be... nervous. But David couldn't be certain. He'd met people from other versions of his world, and they didn't always line up personality wise.

But he was going to do his best to support the guy, and try and hide that he might have pre-formed opinions based on a whole other man. So he kept himself quiet and patient until he heard the knock at the door. David rose quickly and moved to it, opening the door to meet the other man.

"Mister Barnes, good afternoon. Come on in. Would you like any refreshments before I guide you back to my work room?"

He had no intention of calling it a lab. Not with a man no doubt tormented by his universe's Hydra.

III. The Coffee Conundrum | Closed to Harry Osborn | Excelsior - Connoisseur Coffee
Coffee. It was something that mattered to David, quite a bit actually. Caffeine was part of his diet, perhaps more than it should be. And, until he had the money to properly kit his kitchen out with a good brewing set up, David found a local coffee shop to indulge his needs. The world had blessed him with a great coffee shop between the apartment and his office, and it was here that David appeared multiple times a day. A quick stop in first thing for a coffee on the way to work, a trip in the evening for a cup to take home, and of course this, his lunch break.

David was currently settled in the cafe as he was most afternoons, in a table near a wall that normally wasn't the most desirable area of the care. His back was to the wall, and in front of him on the smaller table was a laptop. The other chair at the table was taken up by a back pack, and taking up the rest of the room on the table was another laptop, sitting closed, which was a weird thing, unless one knew David. Truth was the two laptops were interfaced, and he was using his technopathy to boost the processing of the one he was currently working on.

Thing was most days David did this, and it wasn't a problem. But today? Today there was a convention in town, something David wasn't aware of, and the cafe had packed to almost bursting when David wasn't aware of it. He'd been too engrossed in his current design project, his attention flicking back and forth between his typing and the medical journal at his side, opened to a recent article about a new study on regenerative rates of the nervous system. Truly, he had no idea how rude he was being taking up a table that could be used by others, especially after he'd finished his packed punch and coffee just a few minutes ago.

Perhaps someone should go and shuffle the man out of the space.

IV. Wildcard | Open to all
[OOC: I'm open to anything here, giving David a chance to hang out with his standing CR or meet new people. My only rule is that interactions would happen in Excelsior. If you have an idea that the above open post doesn't allow for, either private message this account or hit me up on plurk at

churbooseanon or discord at Churby#4290. OR throw your own starter out in here. I'm happy to do many things.

IF you're looking for things that may be good hooks, David's a technopath, associated with a company that makes prosethetics and assistive technology, an accomplished chef that will be hitting up stores around the city for quality food and cookware/appliances, a technopath that will be around many computer shops, and honestly? He's a hockey nerd so you might find him at sports bars sometimes. Other than that, he'll likely often be out reading books in parks, or even just scientific journals. Guy has a spread of interests and we can talk it out to figure what might best hook a character into paying attention to him or coming over to say hi.]

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

No, he’ll find it endearing. He knows David has manners when he wants to. And he’ll be glad David is enjoying them.

Balthier reaches to pour port for both of them in low crystal scotch glasses. He snorts at David’s question, which was the exact one he had had when he stumbled across that post.

“Life is only poetic when it intends to wreak havoc on us. It had to be a demon. I’m sure there’s some law that describes that.”

He hands David the glass.

David takes the glass and slowly sips the port. He'd chosen it because port had never been something he was good with more than sipping at.

"I never told you all of it. What happened with Belasco. What led up to it."

Balthier masks the way he goes a little still by sipping his port. He’s calculating whether it’s better to have David keep releasing pain and risk spiraling. He thinks it is. And maybe he selfishly wants to know, wants to be brought closer. Wants to understand David more.

“You didn’t,” Balthier agrees. An invitation but not an ask.

"Do... you want ot hear it? It's not pretty. For a lot of reasons. Has to do with the way my people were hurt, a lot of personal suffering for me too."

Unloading on the other man wasn't a welcome thing to do. At all. But answering someone who truly wished to know he could do.

David will eventually have him trained to be direct. This question helps.

He finds David’s hand, interlacing their fingers, and makes sure he finds David’s gaze with his. “I want all of you. Not just the beautiful parts. And I’m going to ask eventually. If you feel comfortable sharing tonight then it seems like a reasonable time.”

"There are a lot of ugly parts. Hideous parts. Bad parts."

But he takes a deep breath and starts into it.

"There's... important context. We already talked a little about the racism, but something happened to us. My people call it M-Day. A woman went mad with grief over losing her sons. People were having trouble getting her back to mental balance, which was dangerous because she's what we call a reality warper. She can take and bend the nature of reality itself to her will. Afraid that her powers might go further out of hand in her madness, heroes and mutants of the world were trying to make a decision on how to handle her. Her brother, her very protective twin brother, found out, and thought the only way to save her was to convince her to remake the world anew, in a way that would make everyone happy."

David scoffs at that. Make everyone happy. It wasn't possible for everyone to be happy. Some people just enjoyed stepping on others too much. Perhaps one day it could happen, but it wasn't this day.

Balthier shakes his head. His world had been in enough of a mess with one god-demon and a few high level magicians. He was impressed these worlds with more powers hadn’t ripped themselves apart.

And somewhat glad, for maybe the first time, he hadn’t ended up with larger more complicated powers.

He also doesn’t point out that there’s a part of Davis that so desperately wants to make things happy for as many others has can. But he registers it.

“Can’t imagine anything going wrong there,” Balthier says.

"Oh so very wrong. She created what I think was an illusion. People were caught up in it, worldwide. I don't remember it much, I don't have those memories. I just know that those who got their memories back fought her to try and get the world back to how it was. In the process, her father killed her brother in anger. And she said three words in her grief."

Three words that haunt those mutants who know them. And in his time, they all know them.

"No more mutants. The words of a reality warper carry a lot of weight. My whole universe was made by one we think, called the Demiurge. The other reality stopped and world flowed on like it hadn't existed, save for those who remembered it was fake. Except... Except words carry weight. Before that day my people numbered in the millions. By the end of the month there were one hundred and ninety eight mutants. Most lost their powers overnight. For some it meant being nothing more than human, like me. For others it meant death, because their powers could no longer support their altered physiology, or they had been doing something their body could no longer handle, or because of bigots murdering us, mutants and former mutants alike."

He's shaking, so he sips more port to try and steel himself.

How horrible. His mother’s city being decimated had been bad enough.

He’s honestly surprised David isn’t more uncomfortable with Balthier’s illusions given that story.

He sees the shake in David’s hand. Hears it reach his voice. He sets his own drink down, wrapping his arms around the other man. A silent I’m here. I’ll sit in it with you.

It's a lot to sit through.

"The school wasn't safe for those of us who were human, they decided. Some parents came to pick their kids up. Others... well, some didn't care. But the school tried. Loaded the kids on a bus to take to the airport and..."

He has to set the cup aside and he wraps himself around Balthier then.

"I know the scent of burning flesh. I know the screams of my friends and classmates as they died. The way the noises petered out to nothing but the crackle and burn after the explosion. The assholes, a group called the purifiers, for got their hands on an RPG and blew up the bus. I was lucky, my parents were going to come in specifically to pick me up. I had no place there because I was only human, but it was the human kids who died. Then, not long after, they came back. Killed Laurie with a sniper round so they could attack the school, deemed her the greatest threat. My friend Jay, he... he wished he wasn't a mutant and cut his own wings off because of his grief over keeping his own powers. Was driven to it by the people who murdered Laurie right in front of Josh. And later when Jay went to confront them, they shot him too."

The people he had loved kept dying.

"We buried so many people."

Those words bring up memories unbidden. He too knows what burning flesh smells like. Has burned it himself. Has seen the horrors of war. Thought he could outrun it.

But this is different. He was targets for his career choice but not what he was. Not his body. Not when he was fleeing. He knows others were. Knows he’s always had a cloud of privilege around him. So he just holds David close, marveling that this sweet man had held onto that sweetness at all.

And to feel powerless to protect people. Wasn’t that why he’d left Archades in the first place? To preserve some illusion that he had control of his life and his actions and his loved ones?

He didn’t know, in David’s situation, if he’d have kept his heart. But it’s soft and full tonight and he cradled this man he loves, who he cannot protect but he can comfort, and he is glad to be able to do it.

"And then it got worse. Laurie's mom smacked me for offering condolences. Then my parents decided the only place I would be safe would be staying at the school. Sofia left, and just like that I was the only human and more than a few mutant classmates turned even colder. I was a flat scan, a baseline."

He had already been torn down in his life for being black, for figure skating, for being a mutant, for having a non-active power. Now being thrown out of the community he knew? Fuck that had hurt.

"The purifiers then attacked the school. I took a bullet in the shoulder to protect some people. Josh... found the other half of his powers. And at last we come to the bad part. Turns out something happened in that reality that was created. A person that should have been dead was brought back to life, and had been close to me. A person that as a girl had been kidnapped by a demon, intending to use her to create a deadly weapon called a Soul Sword. That history doesn't matter. The fact that after she was gone for years did, and that the Demon Lord Belasco, ruler of the hell dimension of Limbo, could smell her on me and two others."

He knows Josh and Laurie are both here. He knows generally what multiverse is. He’s not sure if that makes it better or worse, that David has other versions of them.

There’s a whole lot of not being properly dead, too. Which he’s glad in David’s case but not on principle.

His own teen years had been traumatic but…not like this.

He pulls David as he talks so the other man is essentially in his lap, and he puts gentle kisses on his head as he talks, holding him tightly. Just small touches to say I’m here. I’m listening. You’re here.

"He opened a pit below the school, to pull in those he sensed had contact with her. And bring other people with it as well. We were caught by demons, restrained. Some people tried to fight, but... Well, there wasn't much hope at the time."

Deep breaths now as he got to the hard part.

"The three of us, Sooraya, Cessily, and myself, were chained to rocks and questioned. None of us had answers, he couldn't remember the illusion. The demon Belasco decided the best way to get the other two to talk was to torment the weakest, the human. He..."

Don't stop. Can't stop. Keep talking. Talk until you can't talk anymore. Keep going. Ignore the pain. His hand comes up to rub worried circles at his chest.

"He tore me from the pillar and held me up. And his free hand plunged into my chest, gripping my heart. He squeezed and it was agony. And then he tore my heart out."

That earns a bitter laugh.

"It takes time for short term memories to encode into long term in the brain. This means that traumatic memories don't always linger, because they never get encoded to be remembered. Apparently my brain is fast enough to have processed hanging there in his grip as he held my heart up. As he crushed it in his hand. As he tossed me aside to the ground."

It's that tumbled release sort of confession. This is still raw. This hasn't been vented and processed and softened. Though, of course, it's enormous. And made worse by that beautiful mind.

"Sometimes memory is the worst prison," Balthier says. It's weak in the face of what David shares, but he has to say something, has to pull David back, or at least remind him that he's here too. That this is passed. Even if the pain is still real, will always be real.

He feels his own memories stirring, resonating with pieces of this. But he pushes them down. Now is not the time.

Oh it doesn't stop there. He hated it, but the story goes on. Just a bit longer. But it also serves to explain how much he distances himself from others. And possibly reveal a little bit about how precious this thing with Balthier is.

"Josh regrew my heart. Brought me back. The distraction caused by my death helped some get away, and while Josh passed out from the power he used to save my life, I figured out how to stop Belasco. We all got home and... And part of that was because my girlfriend at the time, Noriko, got us help. But to get a message out one of our number had to escape, and she did it as she saw me dying. She didn't see that I was brought back. Nori was shocked to see me alive, and after she asked questions."

IT was great, how so mnay of them tried to cover for him. For the danger he'd been in. For what had happened. Too bad everyone had been too traumatized to talk and thus talk out a good story.

"Someone told her what happened. How I had died. How I had been injured. How Josh saved me. Noriko decided that I wasn't safe among mutants. Got it in her head that if she left me, I would leave and be safe. It was stupid. But she kissed another guy in front of me and the whole group, told me she didn't love me and loved him, and that I should really just leave. I was so horrified that I went to go do it. Except some telepaths I had at that point saved the lives of twice stepped in. The offered to give me all the knowledge my powers had given me, to break the unconscious barrier. I agreed."

It had been so much, to suddenly have everything instead of nothing. To be all of myself in a way I had never been before. Nori came to try and drive me away when I told her I wasn't leaving. The guy she kissed came in when she started to shout at me, hoping to protect her. He didn't love her, but he still didn't like me. I kicked his ass actually, told them I wasn't leaving, and told Noriko that I knew she had been lying, but it didn't matter. I went to the head of the school, told them I had my knowledge and was recruited as a substitute teacher for the school. I knew more than anyone else there more or less anyway, I could train them when the teachers weren't around. I was a genius and wise in ways other people can't be. But felt like the only choice I had at that point was to be alone. Because no one would accept me otherwise."

And so had come David's period of isolation, punished for the fact that he'd died.

He shifts around just enough to get both his hands on David's face.

"I'm not very impressed with the people who love you," he says. It's sharp. He's aware if he had access to Nori, he'd have half a mind to go make clear to her and this boyfriend of hers that she was never to come around David again. He's angrier at that part of the story than at the demon, or at the bereaved woman. Both are perhaps more horrifying, with farther reaching consequences, but there is no betrayal in them. Nothing personal.

His heart knows betrayal. And has no forgiveness for it.

"But you, sweet one, I am ever more in awe of. How is it that after all that, your impulse was still to help, to protect? You've a heart not made to be alone, and endured so much loneliness." He presses his lips to his boyfriend's, as if closing that space can close the wounds David bears.

"I'll forgive you forgetting that you aren't alone anymore," he whispers. Because, yes, he is starting to comprehend, in some way, the hugeness of David's willingness to love him.

"She was trying to protect her heart. And my impulse wasn't to protect, Balthier. It was to try and still find belonging in a world that didn't need me anymore. A place I wasn't welcome."

And in the end it had only managed to do himself more harm. Seeking for a community and then being betrayed by the person he had looked up to. It was so fucking stupid.

"You don't find it pathetic? The way I shut myself down? Shut myself away?" I don't understand how you don't."

"So she gets understanding and patience and you don't? Everyone else's messy decisions get to make sense but not yours?"

He knows that script too.

"Why should you have assumed that people like you, in a place you were from, after experiencing severe loss, wouldn't want you? And why did you need to be needed in order to be loved?"

Alright, that one hurt, and he might have to spend some time thinking about how his call-outs apply to him younger self.

"No, I don't find it pathetic. I quite frankly don't see how it didn't break you. When we're discarded and shut out that consistently, it's the only way to survive. But the longer you're there the harder it is to open up again. Most people just...turn to stone." Or worse.

"You're taking responsibility for everyone else failing you, my love. It wasn't you. You didn't do anything wrong. There was no magic formula to make them love you properly. They just failed you."

That's... not what David was expecting. He thought that the explanation, the justification, would make Balthier understand. That sometimes people guarded their own hearts and that's not a bad thing for them to do, though it would be better that they didn't hurt someone in the process.

"I did, though. Turn to stone. It took others to open me up again. And... sometimes they betrayed me too. I started to think maybe it wasn't my place to be loved. That trying would just find me punished again. I... was learning to be better until recently."

"Dear one, what are you digging for me to say? That I suddenly see you're somehow not worthy? Don't do this to yourself -- if you keep asking people to devalue you, they eventually will. You'll fulfill the prophecy you asked them for."

He sighs, because he knows that hurt, knows that spiral. As much as he's frustrated with David, he's frustrated with himself.

"It's not a weakness that it takes others to help heal. You're allowed to want community, David. You're allowed to want love. And I know being repeatedly denied it makes it feel like maybe we just weren't meant for it.

"Healing isn't linear. Nor is it easy."

For a long moment he's silent, contemplating. And then he has to shake his head and laugh.

"I have four psychology degrees, you know. I've got the classes in my head, I know this all very well. ANd yet it takes someone else saying the words for me to understand what I've been doing."

In other words 'yes, I hear you'.

"Being brilliant does not automatically mean treating ourselves correctly," he says, but he's smiling at David's laugh, smiling that some part of that got through. He'd expected it to escalate, he realizes. For David to become angry and insist he was wrong. To leave.

For all Balthier is good at lying, he's not good at backing down from what he really thinks. And that's gotten him hurt before.

"Besides, there's no version of this where you're supposed to do it all alone."

"Yes, but I'm not used to people wanting to have my back. Except for Josh, since I came into these worlds. Which I guess is why possibly losing his friendship was terrifying."

He leaned more against Balthier, but his hand kept rubbing at his chest, over his heart. Where once he had a scar.

"But I suppose in the end, even if I lose him I'll still have friends like Bart. And the most amazing man who loves me in you. The man who makes me brave enough to love."

"If loss isn't frightening, then the relationship wasn't meaningful. But, yes, I can see why fear of that particular loss hit you so deeply."

He doesn't miss the way David rubs at his heart.

"I hope that he sees sense, but you deserve people who will show up for you. Like Bart. Like me."

His mind wants to drop the last bit. David's said it before. And as good at Balthier is at building up others, he's terrible at valuing that in himself.

"I want you to always feel safe and brave with me, or like you can get back there. You make me want to be brave too, and bold. And honest. I like who I am with you."

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

CW: graphic discussion of death

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject