metalogs | i was born to hold my hands up (open)

Entry tags:

i was born to hold my hands up (open)

Who: jason todd

reneger & whoever
What: downfall event prompts ; post-event happenings
When: late july - august
Where: excelsior, central city, nyc
Content Warnings: body horror, child death, child abuse, general violence, drug overdose, suicidal idealization, etcetc

prompts in the comments because.... i can.

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I know what my head's doing.

( ish. jason's not moving any closer to the specified door--if anything, he's moving away from it. he takes a few steps back, then turns towards the nearest alley wall. no need to continue forward when nothing's forcing him to just yet, is there? especially because, )

It's my mom. Not my. . birth mother, but the one who raised me. She OD'd.

[That makes as much sense as the rest of this, so he gives a small shrug and follows after Jason. He isn't in any rush to go see a dead body, and when Jason clarifies just who it is things make a bit more sense.]

... Oh.

[Accelerator has no experience with mothers. He can't remember anything about his own, and doesn't feel much of anything when he tries thinking about her. He doesn't, most of the time. There's no point.

He only has a little more experience with overdosing. Academy City would like to claim any and all drug therapies the espers undergo is strictly controlled and regulated, but he knows that's a load of bullshit. Shady research facilities like the one he grew up in ran all kinds of tests with that crap to try and force the development of secondary abilities, and the city's underworld makes things like Body Crystal available to anyone who can pay. Overdosing happens, a lot more than the city would ever admit.

It takes him a few seconds to figure out what to do, if anything. He frowns faintly.]

Sorry.

Over a decade ago now, so.

( it's not an it's fine, because it's not and it never will be, but it's about as nonchalant as he's going to be able to get here. jason turns to press his back against the alley wall, leans in against it. it's clearly disgusting, gum sticking to it in multiple places, spray paint spelling out every expletive, chalk drawings down lower, scratches where objects had been dragged across the walls and broken chunks of glass over the cement just in front of it. jason ignores it.

keeps his attention on accelerator instead, eyes narrowed as he watches him. )

's nothing a kid like you should be worrying about.

( should be, he says, because he knows he was younger than accelerator when he found her. he knows kids shouldn't worry about this shit, but a lot of 'em end up stuck in situations where they have to. where they're left with little choice, because the world doesn't give a shit if they're six, sixteen, or sixty--it takes regardless. )

[So it's been long enough for him to have put some distance between himself and what happened. That's... good? Accelerator supposes it's possible for people to be able to do that, or at least go numb to a situation like that.

He shifts, making sure that the feet of his crutch avoid crunching on any glass down on the ground. 'Shithole' is definitely accurate, 'depressing shithole' even moreso when he notices the chalk drawings. He's still frowning faintly, overall pretty calm.]

Well, it's not going to be the first dead body I've seen before.

[He's used to them, and he's seen (and caused) a lot more violent deaths than an overdose, so he isn't particularly concerned about himself.]

Wasn't my first or my last. Doesn't mean you should see 'em anyway.

( jason's dreams are almost always a storm of broken promises, of night terrors built to tear him down over and over again. of everything yelling at him to fight to get up to push and push and push until he can't push anymore, trying to shove him over until he gives up, gives in, lets himself down. he doesn't often remember them like this; not with the kind of clarity one does their own memories, not unless it's joker, but he remembers the emotions. the guilt eating at him, the despair, fear, anger, and everything else in between. he'll remember finding his mothers body again, but doesn't remember where it goes from there. if it goes, or if it just sits in that moment until he wakes up, or if it's--sudden, like it can be when he dreams of the pit. how he'll remember flashes of it and wake up in a cold sweat as if he'd just climbed out of it once more.

doesn't care to find out, not with this kid here. and if it hadn't been just a dream, he definitely wouldn't want to drag accelerator deeper either. his head is a fucked up mess, no one belongs here--especially not this brat.

and maybe getting the time to stand here and--breathe is what they need anyway. maybe his head isn't being an asshole. maybe, maybe if they're lucky, them being outside rather than deposited straight in the apartment is a sign: that this is a breather, that if they stay here long enough maybe it'll all just end. maybe it's lulling them into a false sense of security, making them think they can relax only to wait for them to relax only to throw them in even deeper. pulling up jason's childhood bullshit is never good--because most of his bullshit, everything after bruce had taken him in--that's all public record. everyone jason knows, knows he was robin. knows he died tragically. knows he came back angry. knows the shit he'd pulled with the other robins, how he'd tried to break bruce. but this moment here - this is more private. people know his mother died, know she od'd, but the details from this period of his life were harder for bruce to dig into and put into neat little files.

maybe it's trying to fuck him up further. maybe it's sharing shit most people don't know, the shit he hasn't spat out in anger at everyone he could potentially blame, even a little bit. maybe if he keeps getting stuck thinking about it, the paranoia's going to eat him up first and it'll tear through barriers meant to keep him guarded. maybe he needs to quiet his head.

lips part just enough to suck in a breath through his teeth, and jason pushes away from the wall. moves to head out of the alley, because fuck it. )

[With that remark comes the irritatingly familiar frustration of being treated as a child. Accelerator is fairly sure he's never going to get used to that, no matter how often it happens in this world. The adults here are just intent on that, it seems. It's like a damn world full of Yomikawas. Completely different than back home, though deep down he's aware that comparing the hundreds of scientists that feared him as a monster or a guinea pig against adults who have no desire to conduct inhumane experiments on children isn't fair.]

..... [He follows after Jason, the feet of his crutch clacking on the ground.] Nice sentiment, but that's just the direction I've taken my life. Nothing anyone can do about it.

[He doesn't want to harangue Jason for not just going along with the path the dream seems to be laying out. No one could blame the guy for trying to avoid seeing his mother's dead body, and if he tries to force things along in another direction Accelerator isn't going to stop him. That could very well work, there isn't really any way of knowing without trying.

But, like Jason, this wouldn't be the first dead body he's ever seen. And it won't be the last. Thinking that could change at all is ridiculous. A life free of violence isn't a life he's capable of living.]

You've been walking through my shit for--( hours? days? decades? it feels like forever and seconds in the same breath, and jason hates that too. he doesn't finish the sentence, just lifts his shoulders in a loose shrug as he keeps walking. gotham is--clear, the street signs are visible and readable. jason knows his city well, and it reflects in how he sees it inside his head, too. ) I know you know. You can get into whatever the hell you want to, I ain't gonna try and stop you. But doesn't mean you gotta see shit in my head.

( not after what he's already seen. none of this is anything jason would have been comfortable sharing in that - amount of detail. he hasn't even gotten into it with dick for christsakes. not intentionally. )

Sorry 'bout -- ( a wide gesture with his hand, around the city. all of this, it seems to say. )

[The city proper is, at least, nicer than the alleyway. And much nicer than the Lazarus Pit, so as they walk Accelerator is going to be looking around. He hasn't been to many cities outside of his own, and even though this is some dream version he might as well take their surroundings in.

As he does he frowns at what Jason says. Or tries to say.]

Why the fuck are you apologizing? Unless you've got bullshit dream powers - [And he clearly doesn't, there's no way any of this has been deliberate] - then you're the last person who should be doing that.

[There's no way saying any of that will alleviate Jason's guilt, he knows that. He feels like it needs to be said regardless.]

I'll be fine. I'm not the one with my personal life currently on public display. That's a hell of a lot to be forced to go through.

( he doesn't like all his shit being shared, but jason's used to not having his things be his. everyone in their circle knows the story of jason todd back home. they know he died, they know he came back angry--the important bits. it's bothersome, to have it--come out like this. accelerator knows more details than almost anyone now, and jason's barely known him long at all. he knows too much for someone as young as he is; jason's shit is hard enough for him to carry, putting it on accelerator's a crap move he wouldn't have ever made if he could have helped it. so he's right.

but jason doesn't like hearing it. shoulders roll back before he's shoving his hands down into his pockets. keeps moving forward. )

All of this has to stay here. You know that, don't you? ( a glance over to accelerator, before his eyes fall forward again. ) I don't wanna hear it come up later.

.... [It's entirely fair to want to keep all of this under wraps. Accelerator is pretty that, if Jason had the choice, he'd make him forget any of this ever happened. It's what he'd want to do if he was in his shoes, probably. If not that, then never speak to him again once they wake up.

... He's kind of glad that second option isn't actually an option, he's realizing. As selfish as it is (and oh, is it ever selfish), it's kind of nice knowing there's someone out there who understands some of the more awful parts of his life. Not being the strongest or anything with the Sisters, but things like the brain injury, the violence that permeates everything and has more control over your life than you do.

And Jason is telling him to keep all of it to the dream.

Accelerator nods ]

I know. I won't say anything.

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i was born to hold my hands up (open)

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