metalogs | closedish

( it's roughly a week and a half after jason had promised kyle a date night and ran off, and a few days after he'd blown up the backbreakers' safehouses. not red hoods, not his kids' shit, but specifically the backbreakers' territory. it'd been intentional, but even after fighting with junior, it hadn't--fixed anything, hadn't made anything better.

his apartment is still empty, jason feels like garbage, which--really, he should be. he knows he should feel like that, knows he deserves this. but he'd told dick also that he. . . was learning how to ask for help, that he'd try, and hell if he knows how to fix any of this. not--even necessarily what he did, but the why he did it, because it's that which keeps causing jason's panic responses.

it's the early hours of the morning, when a man in a dark hoodie stops outside of dick's apartment building. aviators cover his eyes despite how dark it is already, and jason--slumps up against a tree in a place he knows will be visible from inside the balcony. knows, too, that dick probably has some shit set up to see who's lurking around his place. doesn't know where it is, doesn't particularly care at the moment, because if he spends hours waiting outside or has to come back and lurk around another day--well, maybe he shouldn't have been an asshole in the first place. )

[And they are there. Maybe not as advanced as they would have been back home, but still better than what most people here and now would have.]

[Which is why Dick pulls his bike up behind Jason, making certain the other man knows he's coming. Because it's only right to give him enough warning. He puts down the kickstand and turns off the engine before taking off his helmet and looking to Jason.]

I was about a day from texting you. Welcome back.

Hasn't been that long.

( he's disappeared for longer before. is likely to again; jason isn't known for his ability to stay still, but he--gets what dick is getting at, too. jason pushes away from the surface he's leaning against, turns in towards dick. )

Tiny Tim alright by himself for a bit?

No. But I wanted to check in.

[Because, as Jason had reminded him not long ago, Dick hasn't always been there for the middle brother. The second son who had so much dropped on him because Bruce had only learned how to father one kind of kid and hadn't recalibrated in time.]

[Dick glances up at the window to his apartment and waves. Because Tim has access to the cameras as well. Then looks back to Jason.]

He'll be okay on his own for a bit, yeah. Past the worst of it, now. Well, physically.

[Were any of them past trauma mentally? Not really, but they ignored that as much as possible.]

( dick waves, and jason's lips press together tight as he looks up towards the windows. doesn't say a word, because he knows if tim can see, then he can read what jason's saying from the way his mouth moves, too.

so instead, he turns in towards dick. away from the building, and gestures towards the bike. )

Got room for an extra rider? Figure we might wanna take a step away from. . . here.

[Better that Jason know they could be watched than not realize it. Though Dick's fairly certain he assumed it to begin with.]

[At the gesture, Dick gets off the bike, setting his helmet on the seat. He goes to the storage box on the back, taking a moment to concentrate before opening it and taking out another helmet, which he tosses to Jason.]

Anywhere in particular you wanna go?

Nope.

( but he's taking the helmet. pulls off his hood, first, and then pockets his aviators after. he's got one hell of a black eye--healed enough it's at least several days old, but still plenty visible.

the helmet gets shoved down onto his head, and then he's--gesturing over to dick's bike. )

Your ride. You pick the place.

[It's not like Dick hasn't already heard about the fight. It's getting to be a habit with them.]

[Dick nods, shutting the cargo box and grabbing his own helmet to slide back onto the bike again, leaving room for Jason to settle behind him.]

[He trusts Jason to hold on as he drops his visor, starting the engine again and kicking the bike forward again, thinking as he drives.]

[They end up at an open park a couple miles away from the apartment. In a good area, but the kind of park that had all the kids at one end and plenty of space for people with dogs or just wanting to jog or exercise to do what they wanted away from them. It also means they're unlikely to be clocked as too weird or watched.]

This work?

( jason climbs on behind dick easily enough. makes himself comfortable and holds on when he takes off. dick knows where he's going, which is plenty for him--it's not as if the place matters so much, although his choice of a mostly public area is probably smarter, for dick. not that he's planning on starting shit, but one never knows. soon as the bike stops, jason's throwing his leg back over it to climb off, and reaches up to pull off the bike helmet. )

I might've fucked up.

( it's not really an answer but it's answer enough. )

[It's answer enough.]

[Dick dismounts and takes off his own helmet, keeping it with him. Just because the size of the box on the back of the bike doesn't look like it should hold two helmets. In a place this public, he has to be a bit more circumspect about using his powers. Especially these days, when one isn't supposed to use powers unless part of the Guilds.]

[Still, there's a small place inside him that warms when Jason says he might've fucked up. Not because of the fucking up, but because he came to Dick to...sort it out? Talk it out? Give his older brother a chance to at least help this time.]

What makes you say that?

( jason leaves his own balanced on his index and middle fingers, swinging idly by his side. it'll be a good projectile weapon if he feels the need to start throwing things. he doesn't anticipate it happening, but--you never know. )

Left my apartment for a couple weeks. An' everyone else left it, too.

( that's--putting it lightly. but he's figuring dick already has the other half of the story. jason's trying, which is better than his usual method of handling things like this. he's just. . not great at putting feelings to words when they're not meant to bite. )

The apartment you left without telling anybody?

[He's not gotten the entire story. But he's gotten some. Enough to make some inferences.]

[But he also knows that this is Jason trying, which is why he keeps his voice carefully neutral. Because he also knows Jason will be kicking himself enough.]

I texted Dickie. Before I dropped the phone.

( an i'm heading out with no follow up information. but it was an attempt to slow down and let someone know, at least. jason leans back against dick's bike. raises a hand to shove fingers through fussed bangs. )

Every time I get comfortable somewhere, something comes along an' fucks it up. I haven't--stayed in one place this long since I lived in the manor.

[Dick settles in to listen, watching Jason. Giving him his attention. Trying to hear what he isn't saying aloud.]

I thought you'd been in that last place for a long time?

[Long enough for a relationship. Which was with somebody who was not Kyle. And was very different from Kyle, near as Dick could tell.]

Though I know being in a place doesn't always mean staying in one place.

We moved a lot. An' I'd fuck off for a while, but it was--fine. He got why.

( that jason gets antsy. that he sometimes just needs to run off and take out his frustrations on everything else in the world and come back once he's calmed down, figured his shit out. he'd go off, come back later covered in bruises but significantly less likely to try to crawl out of his own skin. )

Dickie and Rayner aren't like that.

[Dick raises an eyebrow at that.]

Dickie, the kid who never stayed in one place until he moved into the manor? And Rayner, who has the power to go anywhere either of you would ever want to go?

[It's not that they couldn't understand, though he knows it's different for Jason. That a lot of it has to do with the fact that he has a lot of pent up anger that he needs to let out, but no good outlets other than himself.]

[Which he's absolutely certain a therapist would have a field day with.]

What I mean is that Dickie probably understands more than you think he would, even if not for the same reasons. And Kyle might. But it means doing something you're going to hate doing.

( jason rolls his eyes, idly throwing the helmet up before catching it in his palm. )

You know that's not what I meant. You've always had family. ( dick's parents were--well, parents. and bruce is an emotionally constipated asshole, but he's pretty sure even when they were bitching at each other, dick knew he could lean on him. he had friends he could rely on, when he and bruce were busy getting into scream matches with each other.

jason's used to fucking off from everything when shit gets too rough to manage. he's used to watching what support system he has built up get destroyed because he wasn't fast enough, he wasn't good enough to keep them from getting hurt. and that's when he's even managed to find people who'll stick around. he either watches it crumble in front of him, or jason purposefully destroys it to avoid the heartbreak of having something else fuck everything up for him.

it's not about the place. it's about the people. about sticking around consistently enough to get attached, and how easily that can be taken advantage of - either by them or the people jason manages to piss off enough that they go looking for his weak spots. and he knows dick knows that. maybe not--jason's exact hangups, but something close. they've all been used against each other at some point or another. hell, he and tim have been told to fight to the death with damian and co being used as hostages. and without hostages. and it wasn't even jason's idea. )

I don't--can't do what I know you're suggesting.

( this is a struggle as is. )

[Dick gives the bit about having family an acknowledging tilt of his head, but it's also not the important part.]

[People had failed Jason, yes, but he spent as much time chasing them away as he ever had trying to accept it. And it's not like Dick doesn't understand where it comes from, same as Jason does. Being abandoned so often in your formative years is tough to reset yourself from. Even if some of the abandonment wasn't something that could really be helped.]

[Addiction, after all, is a terrible thing and not something easily gotten rid of.]

[The last has Dick setting his helmet aside, just so he has both hands free to put on Jason's shoulders.]

You can. Or, at least, you're going to have to try. [A pause.] Well, you're going to have to try with Kyle. Dickie...even at that age, I'm sure he's like me. He's stubborn enough that he won't give up easily. He'll wait and he'll wait until you're ready, even if it never happens.

But Kyle? Kyle's a good kid. Somehow, through everything the world and the Oa have thrown at him. He's powerful beyond anything we can really comprehend because he has a great imagination. Something that can also be turned against him. If you don't tell him the reasons, he'll come up with them on his own.

( jason's jaw clenches tight when dick's hand lands on his left shoulder, but it's--a healing wound, it isn't a big deal, and he works to try and hide it. the worser part of all of this is dick being right in his face and not leaving jason much room to avoid his gaze. he can handle it. maybe. )

You know Rayner's older than you, right? He's not a kid. ( neither is jason and he knows damn well that doesn't stop dick from referring to him as such. but jason'd also argue that he knows kyle pretty damn well by now; knows he's a petty little bitch at times, knows his head likes to work against him. has seen some of the ~~refrigerators~~ skeletons lurking around in the dark corners of his psyche. ) Kyle knows I'm an asshole. Dickie's--I'm more worried 'bout him. I know he's a stubborn brat who doesn't give up. But I also know he'd shoved his way right into my bullshit an' all I've done is fuck up and offer him promises I've broken now. He's just a kid. I knew I shouldn't've let him in.

[You wish you hid it that well, Jason. It causes Dick's eyes to narrow, but he lightens his touch, first on the right shoulder, then the left. And then removes the hand from the left shoulder because he's GOOD at body language.]

[He snorts, shaking his head.] I know Kyle's older. That doesn't stop my brain categorizing him as a kid. The dangers of being in this game for nearly two thirds of your life.

[Just like Jason is a kid. Both of them. And the Tim. And his younger self. But at least two of those ARE actually kids.]

You told yourself you were going to be a better person for him. And some part of that scared you enough that you ran. [Because, sometimes, Dick has done that, too.] He knows that adults don't always keep their promises, you know. What matters is that you admit that and maybe think about making some promises you can keep. Like if you run, you stay in touch.

( he doesn't like dick just reading him like that. not the physical shit, although jason knows he noticed that, too, but the--response. jason's scared of fucking everything up again. of getting people involved with him and watching them get hurt because of it, because it always happens. if it's not jason getting fucked over, it's them.

jason's quiet for a minute, and then he's--leaning forward closer to dick, to press his forehead against his shoulder. it's not a hug, but it's not not one either; it's about as close as they're going to get right now from jason initiating it at least. when he speaks up, his voice is soft, quiet. )

I don't want to be the fuck up anymore.

[Dick holds his breath for a moment, because this is the first time in far too long that Jason's let himself be vulnerable with him.]

[He lets out a slow breath, reaching up with his free hand to place it on the back of Jason's head. Just for a moment. Just so he knows he's not being pushed away, but letting him know he's safe, too.]

[A hug would be awkward from this position, but he could manage it.]

You're a fuck up, Little Wing, not THE fuck up. We just all do it in different ways. And that's probably not going to change because the amount of therapy we all need is astronomical.

[After all, TJ isn't even talking to Dick right now. So it's not like they aren't both fuck ups.]

And you're allowed to fuck up. As long as you're working toward fucking up less.

Easy for you to say, Boy Wonder.

( he's still leaning into dick. jason'll move here in a few moments, but for now, it's nice not to have to hold up his own weight for a little while. to put it on dick instead. they're in a public space which just makes this even more awkward, but jason's dealing with it. he'll--get over it. maybe. for now?

he's letting out a sigh with a shudder, keeping his head down. )

But 'm definitely the fuck up. You guys fuck up, it's fine. I fuck up, I get chased down and accused of murders I didn't do and get told to fuck off. Everyone loves you. Hell, I'm betting you could get away with murder if it really came down to it.

( dick could come home covered in blood and no one would give a fuck. but that's--irrelevant, he doesn't need to get into his bitter bullshit. so jason shakes his head. drops it. )

I'm trying.

[Dick goes quiet for a few moments, ignoring any looks their direction. Really, it's probably not the weirdest thing people in this city have seen, after all. And maybe a few of the boys will see it and realize that they can be vulnerable, too.]

[The mention of getting away with murder doesn't quite make him flinch. But it touches on a few things that he doesn't think about. Things that aren't really part of his past, but are because of Barry Allen.]

I'm not B. I can see that you're trying. I'm just...not always in a place where I can help with that, either.

[He's only human. He has limits.]

You're my brother. I know I don't say that often enough, but you are family. You HAVE family. And when you need me, I will do my best to be there to help catch you.

I know.

( and he does. tim's had his back when jason thought he was fucked all on his own. he knows that even if jason pisses them all off--if he gets into shit, they'll do their damned best to get him out of it. he'd argue he doesn't deserve it, given all the shit he's pulled over the years. but jason also knows it isn't about who deserves what. even if he's legally dead, legally nothing to them, none of them have ever given two shits about that. )

Came over here, didn't I?

( he went to dick, when he needed help with figuring his shit out. even if he hates the answer dick's given him. )

closedish

dick sr | how the tables have turned.

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