( bruce walks with a purpose, which has jason stiffening in place. he knows it's not a good first reaction, that the best way to handle hits is to let himself go loose, but he just can't help himself. his grip on bear tightens a little; not enough to hurt, but enough to know he's not going to drop him if he gets thrown off. he clenches his jaw tight, making the clench of muscle visible in the way his jaw ticks. keeps his eyes steady on bruce's own, determination shining bright behind them.
but the hit doesn't come. fingers press against the back of his neck and jason flinches at first contact, but lets himself be pulled in. sucks in a shaky breath. stays stiff for a few moments longer, before his weight sags down against bruce. trusts this to not be a trap, but also knows that if it is, he deserves it, so it's not as if fucking him up wasn't earned either. he doesn't let go of bear, which leaves his only good arm occupied, so he can't--reach up and return the gesture which is good anyway because no one wants to see the desperate way jason's sure he'd cling onto bruce if he did have a hand free.
instead, he gives a little half-laugh. )
I don't have shit on me. Pockets're empty. No need to try and stealthily pat me down.
( that sounds about right for a reply. but, rather than give an answer to it, he lifts his hand there at the back of jason's neck and moves it to the back of his head instead. cradling him. blue eyes soft in the way they look past him, his other hand still in his coat pocket and like his eyes, his words, too, are soft when he speaks. )
Are you ok?
( physically. emotionally. it's left open for jason to determine how he wants to answer it. )
( it's a loaded question, and he's fairly certain bruce knows that. is he okay? no. jason's a mess; bruised both physically and emotionally. he's been falling apart for years, pulling together what pieces he can to try and make it seem like he's at least - a partially functional person, and he's managed that at least. hell, thanks to tony, he owns an entire goddamn apartment building in new york, a nice one in central city, a haunted mansion out in sunset falls, and more shit than jason really knows what to do with. including the emotional weight of losing several of his friends in a very small time period.
and the panic, from having realized how close he'd grown to kyle and dickie both, only to fuck off on them because he's afraid of losing everything. scared of being alone to the point he fights so hard to keep people around but also runs away as soon as it starts feeling too heavy. he could say he's fine, but he doesn't know how to say it and make it sound even mildly convincing. so instead jason settles on a tired, quiet, )
( because he hasn't been ok for a number of years either.
gently, fingers give a ruffle to the dark strands of hair they press against and he pulls back after a moment, bear beginning to squirm some and bruce not wanting to upset the pup β to give jason a chance to set him down. in doing so, he slips his other hand into his pocket and stands there with the other, letting his gaze drop down to the pup for a moment before it's lifting back up to jason. )
He's missed you. ( a glance to bear, as if to clarify. ) Think you owe him a treat or two.
( fingers through his hair is enough to get jason to lean into bruce just that much more, forehead down against his shoulder with a shuddering sigh. bear starts to squirm, and jason scritches at his spine with his fingers, up until bruce pulls away and he's--straightening himself out, before taking a couple steps back and squatting down so he can put bear down on the floor. gives him a few pets before standing back up. )
'course he did. I'm the fun one. ( and the one who has bones stored in his kitchen just in case of doggy visits, which is where jason's heading over to now - so he can get into his puppy-cabinet and pull out one of the raw bones stored in there. starts pulling off the wrapper. )
( bear is more than happy to receive pets and treats and when he hears the familiar crinkle of a wrapper, he makes his way over to jason, bruce staying where he is. watching. )
( he hadn't been around, it doesn't mean he hadn't been keeping an eye on them with his trackers and various other shit he has set up around central. with the bone unwrapped, he offers it it out to bear who takes it with enthusiasm, and marches it off to the dog bed jason had gotten to replace the one he'd given to bruce. it's bigger, because of course it is. )
( because it's not as though he wouldn't have helped. that hadn't even been a thought or consideration to be had. the moment kyle was over, he brought dickie, not wanting to leave either of them on their own, even if they're fully capable of taking care of themselves. he knows they can. it's just a little more difficult to when you're feeling a bunch of things all at once.
hands still there in his pockets, he slowly makes his way over to jason β a glance tossed to bear for just a moment. )
( he's still waiting for bruce to start bitching at him, or--something. to get angry, to tell him how could he do that to them, dick is a child and kyle's. . . holding onto himself by a fragile thread that jason's shit move definitely strained more than it needed to. but bruce isn't saying jack shit. he's standing there, not looking particularly pissed off by bruce standards. or disappointed.
which makes it more complicated, because jason doesn't know how to respond to that. so he--doesn't. he leans a hip up against the counter and faces bruce instead.
( sigh on his lips, slow steps take him over there beside jason and he turns, just as slow, letting himself lean back against the counter with him. hands still in pockets. eyeing bear chewing on his treat in his large bed.
hanging his head some, strands of hair fall in front of his face as he mulls over something. as he tries to figure out how to say this. )
I know it's hard. ( words soft. genuine. ) Thinking you can have something... normal. That you deserve it. Even here. Some part of you just... constantly waiting for the other shoe to drop. Because you know it will. Eventually.
( he's speaking from personal experience as well, but. jason probably knows that. )
We just have to keep trying. Even when it scares us.
( jason almost, almost gets aggressive when bruce pulls his shit try to do better line. he knows it's not meant with hostility, but jason can't help but read it like it is. just be better, do better jason, as if he's not good enough how he is. if it weren't for the context around it, this would be when jason raises his own fists and throws bruce straight out the window while following him down, armor be damned.
but bruce keeps going, and jason opts to not start shit just yet. because bruce's bullshit is the same bullshit jason goes through in his own head, and he hates that too, how similar they are. how he uses we because he's referring to himself, too. that this isn't a jason problem, it's a jason and bruce problem. he bites down on the inside of his lower lip, before opening his mouth, )
I'm tired of getting attached an' losing people. It was easier, when I didn't have anyone to lose.
( it's why bruce had done everything within his power β without even really knowing he had β to keep everyone at arms length or further from him. even alfred. letting out a breath, he looks up then, flicking those strands of hair out of his face. staring ahead. )
It's the one thing that still scares me... losing someone I care about.
( a quiet admission. something he's been dealing with since coming here and not knowing if he's lost alfred. the ways he's played it over and over and over again in his head of how he should have been better β he should have done better. should have been able to see that he and those around him would be a target of the riddler.
swallowing, he looks down again. )
But that's why we keep going. To keep them safe. Do whatever we have to. Just... sometimes it hurts them in the process.
( like he's hurt alfred. like he's hurt diana.
he gives a glance over to jason then. )
Much as sometimes we don't want to admit it... we need them. Because they make us better.
I know. ( expression hardening a little as jason turns to look at bruce. it's not--angry, it's just defensive. he's putting up walls, slowly but steadily. jason's got a lot of baggage he doesn't really want to get into, and he knows that bruce knows that too. because they both have it, even if this bruce is significantly younger and less experienced than the one jason's used to. )
When I came back, I just - I wanted to show B how much he hurt me, but I wanted to show him, too, that his way of handling Gotham wasn't enough. I knew I came back for a reason, an' that reason was to be what B couldn't. I was angry, just wanted to pull everything apart and show 'em that I was here, I'd handle shit better, but I-- ( pulling in a breath, and jason turns his head so he's looking towards bear, not bruce. ) it wasn't what I wanted. I wanted to fix Gotham, I don't regret anything I did to that effect. But I wanted my family. I just.. ( good hand raising, to shove fingers through the hair just above his forehead. he yanks on it roughly, dragging fingers through hair. ) I wanna be Jason again, with them, even if I don't know what the hell that entails.
( it's sad how much he can relate to that. to not knowing what it really means to be bruce wayne, despite alfred's constant hope in his supposed return. the return of the boy he raised into a man. the one who's now become so fixated on being the batman that nothing else and no one else, seemingly, matters to him. it's not true. he does care, just... it's complicated and to think that jason is on that same path more or less, even when he doesn't always want to be... he can feel for him. understands how difficult and frustrating this path is... how they, themselves, can be. to themselves, no less.
he'd been disappointed in jason when he initially left. frustrated, as diana had seen. but with the time he's had to sit on it β with jason's words he recalls telling him, it's more looking at some other version of himself almost. from the outside. what others see. which is both uncomfortable yet not at the same time.
straightening up some, still leaning against the counter there beside him, he sighs. looking ahead. )
You'll figure it out.
( maybe they both will. in time. eventually.
hand raising, he gently places it there on jason's shoulder. a reassuring squeeze. )
( this is probably as close to a deep conversation he's had with any bruce since he was--well, maybe ever. when he'd been younger, jason had been more willing to talk, but he'd also been - happier, less messy, adaptable; he wanted to be good, to be robin, and he'd pushed himself towards that rather than dwell on all the bullshit he'd gone through in his childhood, so there hadn't been a need for it.
now? he's a mess. one who's shit at talking through his problems, because every time he tries, someone opens their mouth and pisses him off, sets him off and not in a good way. he's talked to tim, which jason would argue he doesn't really deserve even though tim would say that's stupid. bruce puts his hand on jason's shoulder, and jason tips his head to look at it for a moment before he's pulling himself up to his feet and walking to the cabinets. )
Want a drink? I've got whiskey, bourbon, and Rayner's hipster beer.
( it's said with a lazy shrug, bruce hanging back there against the counter and letting his other hand slip into his pocket now that jason's pulled away. it's... good. this is good. them. right here, like this. a lot better than when they first met nearly six months ago and that... hard to believe he's been here for that long now. )
( right. he'll stick with his own default then, and grab two short classes out of the cabinet, as well as a decentish bottle of whiskey out of one of the high cabinets. jason pulls off the cap, and pours two fingers into each glass.
leaves the bottle on the table in case he needs it again, but in the meantime--offers one glass over to bruce while keeping the other. )
( jason has stolen liquor from wayne manor before. and he'd do it again, if wayne manor still had it's stash. but he knows damn well how spendy a lot of shit bruce drinks tends to be, even if he also knows bruce'll down cheaper crap among the plebeians when it's offered. )
( but he'll fake his way through it. jason and dick had--well. dick had read jason like a book, and jason had listened: he wants to be better for dickie. he wants to be someone dick is comfortable leaning on, wants to be a better--big brother, legal guardian, whatever. )
( not that he's complaining. jason likes bear well enough, it'd also just - make him feel a little bit more like this is a normal interaction between himself and bruce, if bruce only came around so he could leave jason with shit. )
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but the hit doesn't come. fingers press against the back of his neck and jason flinches at first contact, but lets himself be pulled in. sucks in a shaky breath. stays stiff for a few moments longer, before his weight sags down against bruce. trusts this to not be a trap, but also knows that if it is, he deserves it, so it's not as if fucking him up wasn't earned either. he doesn't let go of bear, which leaves his only good arm occupied, so he can't--reach up and return the gesture which is good anyway because no one wants to see the desperate way jason's sure he'd cling onto bruce if he did have a hand free.
instead, he gives a little half-laugh. )
I don't have shit on me. Pockets're empty. No need to try and stealthily pat me down.
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Are you ok?
( physically. emotionally. it's left open for jason to determine how he wants to answer it. )
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and the panic, from having realized how close he'd grown to kyle and dickie both, only to fuck off on them because he's afraid of losing everything. scared of being alone to the point he fights so hard to keep people around but also runs away as soon as it starts feeling too heavy. he could say he's fine, but he doesn't know how to say it and make it sound even mildly convincing. so instead jason settles on a tired, quiet, )
I haven't been okay in a very long time.
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I know.
( because he hasn't been ok for a number of years either.
gently, fingers give a ruffle to the dark strands of hair they press against and he pulls back after a moment, bear beginning to squirm some and bruce not wanting to upset the pup β to give jason a chance to set him down. in doing so, he slips his other hand into his pocket and stands there with the other, letting his gaze drop down to the pup for a moment before it's lifting back up to jason. )
He's missed you. ( a glance to bear, as if to clarify. ) Think you owe him a treat or two.
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'course he did. I'm the fun one. ( and the one who has bones stored in his kitchen just in case of doggy visits, which is where jason's heading over to now - so he can get into his puppy-cabinet and pull out one of the raw bones stored in there. starts pulling off the wrapper. )
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Kyle reached out to me.
( he feels he doesn't need to clarify why. )
Diana and I kept an eye on them.
( on kyle and dickie. )
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( he hadn't been around, it doesn't mean he hadn't been keeping an eye on them with his trackers and various other shit he has set up around central. with the bone unwrapped, he offers it it out to bear who takes it with enthusiasm, and marches it off to the dog bed jason had gotten to replace the one he'd given to bruce. it's bigger, because of course it is. )
Thanks.
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( because it's not as though he wouldn't have helped. that hadn't even been a thought or consideration to be had. the moment kyle was over, he brought dickie, not wanting to leave either of them on their own, even if they're fully capable of taking care of themselves. he knows they can. it's just a little more difficult to when you're feeling a bunch of things all at once.
hands still there in his pockets, he slowly makes his way over to jason β a glance tossed to bear for just a moment. )
What's the plan now?
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which makes it more complicated, because jason doesn't know how to respond to that. so he--doesn't. he leans a hip up against the counter and faces bruce instead.
lifts his right shoulder in a half-shrug. )
Don't have one.
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( sigh on his lips, slow steps take him over there beside jason and he turns, just as slow, letting himself lean back against the counter with him. hands still in pockets. eyeing bear chewing on his treat in his large bed.
hanging his head some, strands of hair fall in front of his face as he mulls over something. as he tries to figure out how to say this. )
I know it's hard. ( words soft. genuine. ) Thinking you can have something... normal. That you deserve it. Even here. Some part of you just... constantly waiting for the other shoe to drop. Because you know it will. Eventually.
( he's speaking from personal experience as well, but. jason probably knows that. )
We just have to keep trying. Even when it scares us.
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but bruce keeps going, and jason opts to not start shit just yet. because bruce's bullshit is the same bullshit jason goes through in his own head, and he hates that too, how similar they are. how he uses we because he's referring to himself, too. that this isn't a jason problem, it's a jason and bruce problem. he bites down on the inside of his lower lip, before opening his mouth, )
I'm tired of getting attached an' losing people. It was easier, when I didn't have anyone to lose.
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( it's why bruce had done everything within his power β without even really knowing he had β to keep everyone at arms length or further from him. even alfred. letting out a breath, he looks up then, flicking those strands of hair out of his face. staring ahead. )
It's the one thing that still scares me... losing someone I care about.
( a quiet admission. something he's been dealing with since coming here and not knowing if he's lost alfred. the ways he's played it over and over and over again in his head of how he should have been better β he should have done better. should have been able to see that he and those around him would be a target of the riddler.
swallowing, he looks down again. )
But that's why we keep going. To keep them safe. Do whatever we have to. Just... sometimes it hurts them in the process.
( like he's hurt alfred. like he's hurt diana.
he gives a glance over to jason then. )
Much as sometimes we don't want to admit it... we need them. Because they make us better.
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When I came back, I just - I wanted to show B how much he hurt me, but I wanted to show him, too, that his way of handling Gotham wasn't enough. I knew I came back for a reason, an' that reason was to be what B couldn't. I was angry, just wanted to pull everything apart and show 'em that I was here, I'd handle shit better, but I-- ( pulling in a breath, and jason turns his head so he's looking towards bear, not bruce. ) it wasn't what I wanted. I wanted to fix Gotham, I don't regret anything I did to that effect. But I wanted my family. I just.. ( good hand raising, to shove fingers through the hair just above his forehead. he yanks on it roughly, dragging fingers through hair. ) I wanna be Jason again, with them, even if I don't know what the hell that entails.
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he'd been disappointed in jason when he initially left. frustrated, as diana had seen. but with the time he's had to sit on it β with jason's words he recalls telling him, it's more looking at some other version of himself almost. from the outside. what others see. which is both uncomfortable yet not at the same time.
straightening up some, still leaning against the counter there beside him, he sighs. looking ahead. )
You'll figure it out.
( maybe they both will. in time. eventually.
hand raising, he gently places it there on jason's shoulder. a reassuring squeeze. )
Not giving up on you, remember?
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now? he's a mess. one who's shit at talking through his problems, because every time he tries, someone opens their mouth and pisses him off, sets him off and not in a good way. he's talked to tim, which jason would argue he doesn't really deserve even though tim would say that's stupid. bruce puts his hand on jason's shoulder, and jason tips his head to look at it for a moment before he's pulling himself up to his feet and walking to the cabinets. )
Want a drink? I've got whiskey, bourbon, and Rayner's hipster beer.
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( it's said with a lazy shrug, bruce hanging back there against the counter and letting his other hand slip into his pocket now that jason's pulled away. it's... good. this is good. them. right here, like this. a lot better than when they first met nearly six months ago and that... hard to believe he's been here for that long now. )
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leaves the bottle on the table in case he needs it again, but in the meantime--offers one glass over to bruce while keeping the other. )
I'm not replacing Rayner's shit, so.
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Whiskey it is then.
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( jason has stolen liquor from wayne manor before. and he'd do it again, if wayne manor still had it's stash. but he knows damn well how spendy a lot of shit bruce drinks tends to be, even if he also knows bruce'll down cheaper crap among the plebeians when it's offered. )
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Planning to decorate in here?
( for the upcoming holidays, he means. )
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( a loose lift of a shoulder, and jason's raising his glass up to his mouth. takes a drink of the whiskey. )
Guess I'd better figure that out, given Dickie's living here.
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( to do something like that. )
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( but he'll fake his way through it. jason and dick had--well. dick had read jason like a book, and jason had listened: he wants to be better for dickie. he wants to be someone dick is comfortable leaning on, wants to be a better--big brother, legal guardian, whatever. )
December's always just been cold an' shitty.
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( after his parents died, well. the holidays were never really the same for him, even with having alfred there. )
Thinking I might go away. Just a couple weeks.
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( not that he's complaining. jason likes bear well enough, it'd also just - make him feel a little bit more like this is a normal interaction between himself and bruce, if bruce only came around so he could leave jason with shit. )
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