( an i know is probably about as best as he deserves. jason won't argue it. he raises a hand still, so he can put his palm against dick's hair. not ruffling it, but close enough. )
I had some shit to work through, but it. . . it wasn't anything against you.
( he ruffles dick's hair, before continuing inside and -- ordering whatever basic shit is listed as their number one. because jason doesn't really care, he's just here to give himself another pitstop. waits until dick orders whatever, too, before shoving his card into the reader and paying for it. )
[ He doesn't duck away when Jason ruffles his hair, though he also doesn't lean into it.
Dick orders something simple. Bruce might be a little clumsy at the emotional part of looking after a teenager, but he was fastidious in making sure Dick had plenty to eat while he stayed at the penthouse. ]
( this is the same way bruce had dealt with jason. when he'd found him and they'd gotten cheap burgers to eat on the batmobile. when jason had come back to gotham and asked for another chance. he realizes that it's--more of a jason thing than a dick thing, maybe a little belatedly. because jason's always been hungry: for a good meal, for attention, for connection, but dick's always been better at going after it and getting it. it also reminds him of his conversation with the other dick grayson: they're stubborn, both of them, and dickie here would likely wait jason out if he needed to.
jason's working up the nerve to make sure he doesn't have to. because he shouldn't--not with jason, not with any of the shitty adults in his life. he wants to be better than that.
a brown paper bag gets put on the counter, and jason grabs it before heading back out to the bike. straightens his shoulders a little, and nods his head over to it. )
( no one's going to say shit. especially not with jason riding pillion. but he notices how dick's expression falls and opts to not bother saying that, given jason knows he's in deep shit now, and dick knows it well, too. )
Yeah, sure.
( food gotten, jason's getting back on the bike and waits for dick before he's speeding off back towards their place. )
( there's nothing more terrifying than a quiet dick grayson. but jason says - nothing. just drives them back to the building and pulls into the underground parking lot. parks in his spot, before he's climbing off the bike and grabbing onto the bag of food.
shoves his helmet back into it's compartment. if he looks nervous, it's because he is. )
( and there it is. the outburst jason was waiting for. the very justified anger because who does that? bruce does. which is one of the things jason hates that he does, and yet here jason is - not being any better. he winces, but keeps his eyes on dick. doesn't go anywhere. doesn't have much right to at this point, does he. )
( with a gesture around to the apartment, before he shoves fingers through his hair. )
Staying in one place for so long, having people I need to--stick around for. Even when it was Harper an' me, it wasn't stable like this. An' when it started to feel like it was, I fucked it up and almost got him killed. Do you know how hard it is to almost kill Roy?
( this is getting slightly off topic. reeling it back in a bit; it isn't the time for excuses. )
I thought I'd fuck it up again. So I left before I could do that. Which's just fucking it up anyway and I knew that an' I'm sorry for being an asshole and an idiot.
(He doesn't want to talk about Roy or his mortality, given how things are going back home.) ]
If you came back because you felt obligated or pressured, you shouldn't have bothered. I can go somewhere else.
[ Dick has a pretty extensive list of things he hates and being treated like an unfortunate obligation is one of them.
(He remembers doing the same thing to Bruce a long time ago, before he knew about Batman. How he snapped and asked why Bruce bothered with him if he was just going to vanish all the time.) ]
No. It's not that. It was never that. ( it's not as nervous and unsure as jason's voice had been. because he means it. it's not rambly, because he doesn't need to fill in the quiet spaces. )
I came back 'cause it's what I want. I want to be here. I want you to be here with me. If I wanted to disappear, I could've done a hell of a better job of it.
( in case that wasn't obvious. emotional honesty isn't his strongsuit, but--he's trying here. and opens his mouth again, offers a little more quietly, )
I took off 'cause I got scared. I. . . I hurt Grayson back home, more than once. I took out a lot of my personal problems on Tim. I was telling him, just before you showed up, that outside of our Bruce? I'm the last person anyone should trust with a Robin. I didn't want to fuck up with you.
( he's stubborn as hell and while jason wouldn't say there's a winning when it comes to this conversation - if there was, dick already damn knows he's winning. because jason doesn't know what to give here. he's given the truth, which is better than he would have given most. )
If I was treating you like I treated him, I'd be a hell of a lot. . . less open. If you were just another Robin, I may've let you into my apartment but you sure as hell wouldn't still be here. It's me. You get that, right? I fuck up an' hurt you, and it's me who's gonna be holding it against myself 'til the end of time. It's me who's gonna be comparing it to how hard I hit Drake when I came back around, who's gonna be thinking about how hard I come down on every other asshole who fucks with kids, and yet here I am pulling the same goddamn shit. How I'm feeding into the same cycle I've given B shit for. Not that I ain't regardless, 'cause you're almost the same age I was when I keeled over, yet we're still running 'round at night putting you at risk every damn time we go.
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I had some shit to work through, but it. . . it wasn't anything against you.
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We should talk at home.
[ 'Home' being the apartment. They have some sorting out to do, but he'd always intended to go back to Jason when he returned. ]
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( he ruffles dick's hair, before continuing inside and -- ordering whatever basic shit is listed as their number one. because jason doesn't really care, he's just here to give himself another pitstop. waits until dick orders whatever, too, before shoving his card into the reader and paying for it. )
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Dick orders something simple. Bruce might be a little clumsy at the emotional part of looking after a teenager, but he was fastidious in making sure Dick had plenty to eat while he stayed at the penthouse. ]
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jason's working up the nerve to make sure he doesn't have to. because he shouldn't--not with jason, not with any of the shitty adults in his life. he wants to be better than that.
a brown paper bag gets put on the counter, and jason grabs it before heading back out to the bike. straightens his shoulders a little, and nods his head over to it. )
Wanna drive?
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He's being bribed. Normally, he'd enjoy the special treatment but not now. ]
I'll draw too much attention. Let's just go.
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Yeah, sure.
( food gotten, jason's getting back on the bike and waits for dick before he's speeding off back towards their place. )
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The fact that he's not talking now probably doesn't bode well for Jason. ]
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shoves his helmet back into it's compartment. if he looks nervous, it's because he is. )
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It's not until the door closes that Dick drops his food on the counter, sheds his backpack, and whirls on Jason. ]
What the hell, Jason?
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'm sorry.
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"I'm sorry" isn't an explanation.
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( with a gesture around to the apartment, before he shoves fingers through his hair. )
Staying in one place for so long, having people I need to--stick around for. Even when it was Harper an' me, it wasn't stable like this. An' when it started to feel like it was, I fucked it up and almost got him killed. Do you know how hard it is to almost kill Roy?
( this is getting slightly off topic. reeling it back in a bit; it isn't the time for excuses. )
I thought I'd fuck it up again. So I left before I could do that. Which's just fucking it up anyway and I knew that an' I'm sorry for being an asshole and an idiot.
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(He doesn't want to talk about Roy or his mortality, given how things are going back home.) ]
If you came back because you felt obligated or pressured, you shouldn't have bothered. I can go somewhere else.
[ Dick has a pretty extensive list of things he hates and being treated like an unfortunate obligation is one of them.
(He remembers doing the same thing to Bruce a long time ago, before he knew about Batman. How he snapped and asked why Bruce bothered with him if he was just going to vanish all the time.) ]
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I came back 'cause it's what I want. I want to be here. I want you to be here with me. If I wanted to disappear, I could've done a hell of a better job of it.
( in case that wasn't obvious. emotional honesty isn't his strongsuit, but--he's trying here. and opens his mouth again, offers a little more quietly, )
I took off 'cause I got scared. I. . . I hurt Grayson back home, more than once. I took out a lot of my personal problems on Tim. I was telling him, just before you showed up, that outside of our Bruce? I'm the last person anyone should trust with a Robin. I didn't want to fuck up with you.
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I'm more than Robin, I'm not the Dick Grayson you have a history with. And I'm not fragile.
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( he's stubborn as hell and while jason wouldn't say there's a winning when it comes to this conversation - if there was, dick already damn knows he's winning. because jason doesn't know what to give here. he's given the truth, which is better than he would have given most. )
If I was treating you like I treated him, I'd be a hell of a lot. . . less open. If you were just another Robin, I may've let you into my apartment but you sure as hell wouldn't still be here. It's me. You get that, right? I fuck up an' hurt you, and it's me who's gonna be holding it against myself 'til the end of time. It's me who's gonna be comparing it to how hard I hit Drake when I came back around, who's gonna be thinking about how hard I come down on every other asshole who fucks with kids, and yet here I am pulling the same goddamn shit. How I'm feeding into the same cycle I've given B shit for. Not that I ain't regardless, 'cause you're almost the same age I was when I keeled over, yet we're still running 'round at night putting you at risk every damn time we go.