i was born to hold my hands up (open)

[reneger]

Who: jason todd reneger & whoever
What: downfall event prompts ; post-event happenings
When: late july - august
Where: excelsior, central city, nyc
Content Warnings: body horror, child death, child abuse, general violence, drug overdose, suicidal idealization, etcetc



prompts in the comments because.... i can.

Comments

[torchbearer]

[ it's new.

kyle recalls vividly the way alex fit against him, brushing away her long hair to kiss her neck. with donna, she would pin him down before they embraced. with jenny, they would fly. holding hands, they crossed the stars. all of those people who make up kyle. he could not extricate them from himself any more than he could rip his heart from his chest. all his love, etched deep in his bones.

but kyle isn't interested in comparing it. those are not the thoughts running through his head. he's not trying to fit jason into a slot that existed before. his palms press themselves against his back as to hold him close forever, to remove any kind of space that could exist between them as a buffer. he chases after jason's lips to deepen the kiss. ]

[reneger]

( soft physical affection like this always hits different. he's grown more accustomed to it over the last couple years, but a couple years still isn't shit versus the couple decades he spent expecting violence. jason likes it; he wants to sink into kyle, feel those fingers run across his back, kyle's warmth pressed close as jason holds on tight. wants to kiss him until he's breathless.

doesn't, not this time. they'll have opportunity for that later, won't they? because now, jason's--pulling back enough he can press the bridge of their noses together. keeps his fingers in kyle's hair, eyes closed. )

You'd better mean it. ( it's not doubting kyle. it's just-- ) 'cause you're stuck with me now.

[torchbearer]

I mean it.

[ he meant it long before. saying it out loud hasn't changed his response. it's just a confirmation. a certainty. in a world of dreams and outside of it, kyle will remain. steady as a heartbeat. ]

[reneger]

I know.

( he doesn't know kyle as well as he knows--some people, but kyle's not a hard read either. he's a shit liar who wears his heart on his sleeve, which would be horrendously dangerous for most people in their field, but kyle is. . different. jason wouldn't know how to properly put it into words, because he struggles with that: wearing his emotions, letting everyone see, being too loud, letting things break him apart too easily, allowing his emotions to take over when jason really shouldn't.

like the edge of vulnerability he's wearing now, that bleeds right into his voice when he speaks. it's a little too quiet for jason, too careful. )

Don't disappear on me.

[torchbearer]

[ oh. kyle tucks him close, as much as he can. that is a fear that reverberates through them both. he needs this as much as jason does. ]

I'm here. I've got you.

[reneger]

I had someone.

( it's a hard topic both because it's stupid to get into with kyle but he figures kyle'll get it better than most people here would. and he--wants to talk about it with someone who does get it. it's a loss he's brought up with dick, one that damian, strange, stark, barnes, they're all aware of it. probably aware too that jason has been walking around it like it never happened to begin with. because he doesn't handle loss well. never has. )

Where I was before. Her name was Loki, an' all she had to go home to was death. I lost Artemis to a fucking black hole, lost Lo to ending up here, an' I can't--lose you too. Swear to hell and back I'll fight every shit god that shows up to try and fuck shit up 'cause I can't.

[torchbearer]

[ perhaps that was it. that, despite their bickering and fights and everything else, things slid into place. not that jason was a stranger to loss before. kyle knew his story, even if he never knew every detail. and this plea, he feels it down in his very bones. I can't, I can't, I can't keep doing this. and you want that to make everything okay, to answer the cry with the same magnitude. to rearrange the world that way.

and he could. he could. he feels that power within him, a starheart. jenny's starheart. it would be so tempting. but kyle knew fear. that's what made him unique among the lanterns. giving jason a promise won't magically change that fear. or stop what could come.

kyle takes jason's hand. a hand made for bruises. kyle always takes care of his own hands, too afraid of losing his talent, his art. they both amount to the same thing. ]

Jason, making that promise . . . I want to. I've always wanted to. For every single person I loved. For the people I lost.

But I can't. I can promise to fight. I can promise my power, my rage, my steadfastness. I can promise in this universe, I'll always be.

And if you go to any others, I'll find you.

[ he squeezes their knuckles together. ]

I'll find you.

[reneger]

( he's heard that before, too. the i'll find you--and yet no one's found him yet here. it doesn't matter. he can't keep this up--getting attached to people, losing them, watching his world fall apart, picking up the pieces just to try and keep going on. but he will. because jason doesn't know how to quit and has no intentions of finding out. he pulls in a shaky breath, eyes focusing down on their intertwined fingers. his lower lip twitches, before he sucks it in and bites down on it. shakes his head. )

I don't expect empty promises out of you. ( his voice is still soft, mouth carefully forming around words one syllable at a time. jason looks back up to kyle. quirks up a corner of his lips, even if the little half-grin never quite reaches his eyes. ) But I'm gonna expect you to keep that one.

[torchbearer]

[ quietly. ]

I'll keep it.

[ he doesn't add to it. he doesn't need to. kyle is just . . . straightforward like that. he doesn't make it flowery. he doesn't make it desperate. it is a fact now. unshakeable. ]