metalogs | i was born to hold my hands up (open)

Yeah.

( he's gone back and forth on the whole thing. on whether or not it was just--poor planning on bruce's part when it went up. on if it was intentional. on if it was meant to hurt. on if leaving it there was intentional, like--he still lost jason, jason never came back, or if it was some masochistic reminder for bruce himself despite the fact he's lost every son of his at least once since. jason's death was a tragedy, but it was hardly the only one. )

I'd tell you to keep it that way, but. ( back in new amsterdam, when people disappeared and came back, they didn't remember anything that happened there when they got back home. he doesn't know if it works the same here, but even if it does--he'd still say that having the rest of them is worth the heartbreak. dick, tim, steph, cass, damian--all of them. so he doesn't finish his sentence. just--leaves it half-finished. junior'll get it. )

[Jason does pick up what his older self is trying to say. He too has own feelings about the other members of the BatFamily]

You still love the others.

You do, too.

( he knows. he's seen it. )

[Jason fidgets a little, feeling uncomfortable and unsure. He's had so many family issues for most of his life now but when it comes to his his siblings, he come to truly care about them]

Not like I'd be welcomed back anyway. Not after the last time I talked to my Bruce.

The conversation before you died?

( clarifying first, because the last thing he wants to do is dig himself in too deep. they're already--here, standing in the middle of their childhood 'home'. jason doesn't want to make a bigger mess. )

[Jason shakes his head]

No. This one happened years afterwards. It was when I was trying to force him to kill the Joker.

[He doesn't regret that attempt but he recognizes just how emotionally and mentally dark he was that night. It revealed things he normally keeps a tight lid on]

( jason remembers what he did, when he came back to gotham. when he tried to force bruce's hand. the shit that came out of his mouth, how heavy it all was. junior's doubt isn't surprising, because it took--a significant amount of time before anyone was comfortable letting jason back in their space. )

You tell him either he kills Joker or you will? How it wasn't your death you were holding against him, but that he let Joker live?

[God it's so unnerving how similar they are]

Yeah. That's exactly how it happened. I also had a bomb ready just in case.

[Because that's how desperate he was. He didn't care if he had to die again to finally get what he thought he wanted]

Joker set off the bomb after B dug a batarang into my neck.

( hand up to feel along the edges of the scar--it's older, but he can still feel the ache. )

Couldn't tell you how the hell I made it out of that alive.

[The batarang incident is another factor that makes younger Jason wants to lean towards never coming back to the family. Is his own Bruce capable of doing it too?]

I set off the bomb. I had my gun right at the clown's head while I was screaming at Bruce. Bruce started to walk away and then I tried to shoot him instead of the damn clown.

[Jason's still disgusted with himself for lashing out as opposed to just killing the Joker right there and then]

Bruce threw a batarang into the barrel and it blew my gun up. Burned my hand and that's when I decided to try to take all of us down.

I didn't hesitate.

( must be where that incident branches off, too; jason kept his gun on the joker, he was ready go to through with it, he was so angry, he needed joker dead. should have killed him earlier, really, but that was his mistake. joker not being dead after, well-- )

B didn't have anywhere else to hit me. But he didn't turn away either.

[There's an uncomfortable pause as Jason thinks about his next question. Even in this strange shared dreamscape there are still some thoughts that he's hesitant to explore]

Was it on purpose what he did?

( the uncomfortable silence followed by a quiet question gets followed with--more uncomfortable silence while jason thinks about how to answer that.

clicks his tongue against the roof of his mouth. )

Heard you talked to him, when he was here.

I did. It almost felt like talking to my Bruce again but I think he was more of yours. He had an explanation for every Robin and Batgirl he took in.

[Either way, that version Bruce set off his temper too easily. It's almost like with the younger Bruce and the one he knows back home]

Last time I talked to him, he told me we were done. ( they've--talked about this earlier, but jason going over it again isn't for nothing. not quite. )

Before that, we'd gotten burgers, an' he'd told me my way wasn't terrible long as it didn't involve killing. That Gotham could use a few outlaws. Only other place he could've aimed was for my head.

[There's another quiet moment as Jason takes in all of that]

Maybe... he was just as confused about us as we are about him. Didn't know what to do with us until things got too fucked up.

[They did just watch a memory of younger Jason's Bruce expressing regret for letting his son be Robin before he could process his trauma in a different way]

I'm not gonna psychoanalyze him. He does it enough to the rest of us, an' I don't have the bandwidth to handle B's fucked up head.

( maybe bruce is just shit at feelings. maybe they all are. maybe if jason had pointed his gun at bruce he would have avoided almost dying at his father's hands. maybe if jason had just gone back to gotham instead of listening to talia, he wouldn't have ended up this fucked up. maybe if he'd waited for bruce to return instead of talking to sheila, he wouldn't have died at all. maybes don't fix anything, nor does trying to figure out whys of shit that already happened. they can't undo what happened, can't fix hurt feelings, they can only--push forward. )

Does it really matter? It happened, it's over.

Yeah. Just gotta keep moving forward. Fuck Bruce and whatever bullshit he's got.

[Jason then gestures at the void they're in]

Sometimes it rears its ugly head no matter how hard I try. Sometimes hear that laugh. Sometimes in my dreams I see green. Whatever the case, it pisses me off when it happens.

Don't call it here.

( because he knows. he knows what junior's talking about. knows the sound of the laugh, the green from the corners of his eyes when he's trying so hard to keep himself together but everything around him wants him to fall apart, to lose his shit, to raise fists and yell until he's burned himself out again.

they can't afford that when they're already stuck in a nightmare. )

Right.

[The bizarre shared space they're in is all too susceptible to their thoughts and feelings. Having nightmares alone is bad enough. Sharing them with anyone, much less his doppelganger is another level.

Jason tries to think of something else. Something that won't drown them in despair]

It... feels good sometimes. Being with the others. Not B.

( it's ringing in his head, now. joker's laugh, the sound of the crowbar slamming into him, how he felt it in his bones much more than he heard it, impact ringing through his skull as jason--took it. as he curled up tighter and tighter, tried to avoid it, tried to do--something, adrenaline rushing through his veins and it did nothing to save him because he was dead. dead. body rotting underground until he woke up in his casket, the terrifying moment he sucked in a breath and realized he'd died alone, he'd come back alone, he was trapped, and his cry for bruce went unheard. how his subsequent cries went unheard, rattling around in the back of his skull under all the rage and pain he wore when he ran rampant. a shudder wracks through his spine, hand raising to pull roughly at the hair just above his forehead. sucks in a breath. holds it for a moment. lets it out slow and very intentionally keeps his eyes open throughout because he knows all he'll see is green behind his eyelids.

tries to focus instead on them, as junior does. )

They--try.

[Jason sees what the other man is trying to do. He's spiraled in that direction before as well. He can hear echoes that damn laugh as well.

But he pushes on. They both need to]

Feels almost like we don't deserve it.

[Then he huffs]

But they're so damn stubborn and stick around anyway.

You're just a brat, ( jason shifts again; this time, he's closer to junior's age. lacking the bulk he's spent years putting on, hair messy and a little too long, jawline covered in barely-there facial hair because he hasn't bothered to shave recently. he raises a hand, rubs along his jawline with his palm. ) you've barely done jack shit to unearn it.

Now, me? I've almost killed all of 'em, at least once. ( well. ) Not Duke, not directly. He's new.

[The uncanny feeling of looking at himself strengthens again. He remembers looking unkept during his five years of traveling and training to become the new Red Hood. Same long and messy hair. Same awkward late teens stubble on his jawline]

Either this family's a lot dumber than they think or they're just as bratty as us.

There's a reason he picked us up. B.

( a snort, dull nails idly dragging right across his jaw. this is why he shaves, isn't it. it's irritating. )

'cause we're all the same.

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