( closed ) what good is love that no one shares?

[dothelokimotion]

Who: Loki Odinson (dothelokimotion), Kyle (torchbearer) + You
What: Engagements! Dates! Making sure Sunset Falls doesn't collapse! And other things.
When: August Catchall
Where: Sunset Falls, Central, etc
Content Warnings: N/A, will change if necessary

( prompts will be listed in comments. please reach out to timmtams / pm if you want something specific! )

Comments

[portolan]

That's usually how it works. No one quite knows how though. Incredible, isn't it? Thousands of years, thousands of realities, and no one's cracked the code.

[dothelokimotion]

[ a low snort. ]

Who would even want that?

[portolan]

Come now. You've never wishes you had the answers when things were going roughly?

[ He laughs. ]

Maybe you really aren't like us mere mortals then.

[dothelokimotion]

Those were never the sort of answers I looked for, I suppose.

[ or he felt he always knew them. the one time he did ask, screamed at his father tell me! it had . . . ended poorly.

after that, loki found his own answers. ]

[portolan]

[ Something else wounded him, is what he means. Everyone was that way ]

And did you find those? It's all the same at some level.

[dothelokimotion]

More or less. They came to me in time once I stopped expecting anyone else to have the answer.

[portolan]

[ He sighs, but it's at memory ]

Always the way it goes with the hard questions.

[dothelokimotion]

[ he shrugs loosely. ]

I've stopped asking. It's not worth it.

[portolan]

Not all questions are. I'm not sure we can entirely control our minds asking though.

[dothelokimotion]

Oh? And what do you ask yourself then?

[portolan]

[ He could lie, be coy. But he doesn't. He sighs instead, shrugging. ]

Does fate exist? Have I outrun it, or done exactly what I was always meant to do? If I was always worthy of love, then why was I treated so poorly? If I'm inherently not worthy of love, then when will my partner discover that and move on? Could I have saved my mother? Could I still, in another universe?

[dothelokimotion]

[ loki blinks. ]

That is . . . quite a lot.

[portolan]

[ He gives a weak smile. ]

Gets tiring.

[dothelokimotion]

I can imagine.

[ it's a familiar enough litany. but loki has had time to process a great deal of his baggage. he is no longer the person he was, wanting a universe to be more deserving to him. to be more worthy. ]

I can say this much. I do not think fate binds mortals all that tightly.

[portolan]

My new worry is that it's different in the different worlds, but -- it still soothes my old nerves to hear it.

[ He does trust a Loki on this topic more than most others. ]

[dothelokimotion]

Mm. Trying to grasp how it will be in every reality is a sure way to drive yourself mad.

[portolan]

Something I'm unfortunately rather skilled at.

[dothelokimotion]

You have to let it go.

[portolan]

Was it ever that easy for you?

[ He's gotten better at it. It's a lot easier, having someone to go home to. When it keeps him up at night, he's often frustrated with himself. ]

[dothelokimotion]

[ loki huffs. ]

No, but I died enough times for the lesson to stick. I don't recommend that method though.

[portolan]

[ Balthier laughs. ]

No, I'd rather not try my luck with that option. David would be quite angry with me too.

[dothelokimotion]

[ he hums. ]

One thing Sephiroth has taught me is that my own self-esteem hurts him just as much. And that is something I do not wish to do anymore.

That is the root of it. Not knowledge, not possibility. But a crippling sense of worth that plagues you.

[portolan]

I suppose I've never thought of it that way.

[ And he is thoughtful about it. That has been the heart of their friction, when one of them lets his own self-esteem hurt them both. ]

And it always comes down to trust -- trusting we are worthy is a faith of sorts, isn't it? Hardest to talk ourselves into it when we need it most.

[dothelokimotion]

On Asgard, there was a hammer. Only those who could lift it were worthy.

[ he shrugs, nonchalant. ]

I never managed it, no matter how hard I tried.

But the hammer itself was a lie. Whose standards of worthiness are we aspiring to?

[portolan]

Nonsense like that is always tricks with gods. Humans too I suppose.

I relate, aspiring to the wrong standards for far too long. Things have been better since I recalibrated that.