metalogs | i was born to hold my hands up (open)

I didn't go into it dead, I went into it braindead. Don't know if that had anything to do with it, but-- ( it could just be him. maybe jason was always like this, maybe missing out on growing into his limbs because he was catatonic at the time just meant he missed the beginning of testosterone making him worse. maybe jason was fucked up all on his own. maybe he wasn't. ) maybe it piecing together my bashed in brain made it do the same to me. Everything felt more. I couldn't tell you why the hell I thought it was a good idea to pull the shit I did with Tim. He was a kid, I've killed people for pulling the same shit with kids.

I did it to get Bats' attention. I hurt a Robin to get to him.

( the same bullshit joker pulled. multiple times. out of the corner of his eyes, for just a moment there's jason's own corpse, burned and battered, sitting on the bar's floor. )

I'd throw myself in Arkham before ever pulling that shit now. I'd knock a few teeth loose, but not to fuck with Bats.

[ kyle's answer came easily. it came when he learned of hal's pain. it came when he learned of yrra's. all the things jason did, they still matter. and jason is owning them. before, he couldn't, not with all the rage and anger burning through him, not when it needed an outlet and convenient victims. ]

You were in pain. You don't think I know that?

It doesn't matter. Nothing excuses the shit I pulled.

( and he knows that. no amount of pain warrants beating the shit out of tim. almost killing him. almost killing damian, too. the stupid shit he'd put them through. and tim had taken pity on him more than once. tim broke him out of jail. tim tried. it took jason a lot longer than it should have to lean into it. )

I don't think the kid who died would've gone that hard, even after coming back out of the grave--is what I'm getting at. Everything felt like too much, like the end of the line, and it took a while for me to get a handle on it.

It's not an excuse.

[ but it is rewarding to see this. long before, jason would never have admitted that. he would have dug his heels in. that's what grated on kyle before. even when he understood, it was frustrating to see. but they're both . . . different now. grown up, in a way. ]

And maybe not. Who do you feel you are now?

If you'd asked me a year ago, I would've said Red Hood.

( he--winces. bruce wayne is a mask batman wears, not the other way around. jason hates finding all the ways they're similar, but it's--true. jason todd has remained dead since he was fifteen. he's existed as a ghost, shipping himself around the world to pick up skills from every expert talia could find for him. he existed as red hood when he came back to gotham. when jason trashed his first id in new amsterdam and took the name jason todd back, he used it as a face to cover for the shit he got into in dark spaces. here, he has neither. )

Now? Who knows.

[ who knows is also what kyle is running into these days. he knows it's been slipping through his fingers like sand for some time now. ever since the jla went back in time, ever since major force broke into his mother's house, ever since the war in space.

jason was only one here who knew kyle, before connor and wally arrived. ]

Maybe this is a chance for you to know.

( between one breath and the next, the bar disappears. they're on a rooftop in gotham, empty aside from broken pieces of what had been jason's hood. bruce's words, harsh and biting, don't come from anywhere in particular but they're still audible: i was a fool for ever believing in you. no more red hood.

jason tips the beer back to finish it off. )

No more Gotham, right? I can be whatever. ( as if it were that easy. as if jason had something else to fall back on. he puts down the beer bottle, turns his attention back to kyle. )

So can you.

[ kyle reaches for his hand, palm pressed against jason's knuckles. ]

You can still carry Gotham with you.

( eyes fall down to where kyle's hand rests, and jason only pauses for a moment before he's turning his own over, so he can intertwine their fingers together. )

I couldn't let go of it even if I tried.

Then don't.

[ their fingers press together. ]

And be whatever you want to be. I'll still be here.

( see, this would be the perfect spot to drop in another i'm dead joke, except he doubts it'd land well enough to warrant it. kyle's the kind of asshole who'd ruin it for him, so jason doesn't give him the pleasure of doing it.

which leaves him with nothing witty to say, either. he looks down to their hands. keeps them focused there for a good several moments. looks back to kyle with a quirked brow. )

Yeah? Even if I tape paper bat ears to my hood and run 'round yelling I'm Redbat?

[ kyle chuckles. ]

I mean, I'd judge you a little, but I wouldn't go anywhere.

You're real soft, you know that?

( kyle had always gotten on jason's nerves. his attitude, his reliance on some stupid ring, how people just seemed to like him, as if it was that easy. and the shitty, dreamy look to him. none of that has changed. the comments are a little less pointed, but kyle's still an ass. jason's settled, but not by much. he's still full of opinions he knows bruce disagrees with, his way will always feel right to him, no matter how much the gotham vigilante hoard disagrees. but kyle doesn't give a shit. kyle's here holding his hand like that's a normal thing to do. kyle's telling jason he can be whatever he wants to be.

it feels nice.

it feels inherently wrong.

jason's choosing to ignore the instinctive need to dig into every reason kyle could be trying to fuck with him by--acting like this. because kyle is a shit liar, unless he's been hiding being a real good liar from all of them. well enough jason can't pick up on it. or maybe this was one of bruce's plays, but their bruce isn't here. dick is and dick's in on more of bruce's secrets than jason ever has been.

but he also realizes it's too late for him now anyway. kyle could be a mole, but jason's already in deep enough that leaving this behind will end in heartbreak. and he hasn't quite nailed down if that makes him want to stay or run.

he reaches forward with his free hand. presses his palm against the curve of kyle's back as jason steps in closer. kisses the corner of his lips. )

Who do you want to be?

[ kyle is soft. he is soft when he learned of hal's pain and even gave back his ring. he was soft even when yrra had lost herself to vengeance, thinking of what a sad story it was. he was soft, even when he was angry, even when batman blinded him because he knew that wasn't the outcome batman ever intended. he was soft when he gave up ultimate power to bring back the guardians and oa.

kyle would not give up being soft for anything. and he won't give this up. he shivers with pleasure at the kiss, relaxing. ]

I just want to hold onto Kyle. Just for a while longer.

Oh, good. 'cause I'm starting to like Kyle.

( he likes how kyle--doesn't take his shit, how he can read him. the soft touches are something jason is still adjusting to, because even if he has grown comfortable with people getting in his space, kyle is something else. jason takes his hand off of kyle's back to instead curl it around the side of his neck, thumb pressing against his jawline as jason presses another kiss to the opposite corner of his lips. it's soft, gentle. which is also--different from what jason's used to. he's not complaining. )

Some of the time, at least.

[ kyle chuckles. he definitely expected that answer. it's always like that, the back and forth, but that's fine. it doesn't unsettle him and it doesn't bother him. it's just how they communicate. ]

Good. Because I like Jason some of the time too.

( kyle always finds a way to add more weight onto shit. i'm yours, he'd said once. i've got you, it'd been another time. jason had asked what he'd wanted, and kyle's response had just been you. it's always a lot. always too much and yet not enough. jason's held tight to every word kyle's thrown his direction. every stupidly soft statement, every i like you and i want you equivalent that comes out of his mouth. just like he does now. )

You're soft, ( repeating it, because-- ) but I ain't.

( the next time he leans in for a kiss, it's with the hand he'd had on kyle's neck wrapping around to cup the back of his head, to pull him into it. it's needy and desperate, and jason doesn't waste any time before pressing in deeper. )

[ kyle did say early on how he doesn't play. he always throws his whole heart into things. everything. almost as if he has seen a life of missed opportunities. as if he traces the lines of his palm, thinking of what a future would have been like if alex dewitt had lived.

in jason, he is not looking at that kind of future. the shape of it has changed. he's right in that jason is not soft. he's always been hard, burning up, raging. it frustrated kyle to no end, the way he held himself apart from the rest, the bad boy routine. and yet.

there was certainty there. because the core of jason was not a flicker of a match or the smell of self-destructive gasoline. and he knew that. he knew. he knew when jason crept into his window, he knew when he brought kyle takeout or bullied him into moving and kyle just folded because he wanted to be in this orbit. he wanted to be pulled along, even with his soft underbelly. he moans into the kiss, aching for it. ]

( jason isn't soft; he's all fire. he's always been all fire--shit at keeping his head when it comes to something personal, but it's because he feels everything so strongly. he burns hot when he sees someone getting taken advantage of. hates it when innocent people get hurt, when the bad guys win and keep winning because it isn't a struggle for them to pull themselves back up when they're just thrown back into gotham's corrupted system. loves just as strongly, which is--why shit hurts so bad when it goes south. why his shit with bruce is so complicated, why everything with his family always turns into such a mess.

it's also why, when kyle had told him he doesn't play around when jason had been playing, it shifted everything. he told kyle to lead, but he was still the one who pushed forward. who heard kyle's i trust you and let it break him. who hears an i like you sometimes and takes it--here.

where he's got kyle pressed against him, his arm wrapped tight around him, feeling the moan against his mouth as much as he's hearing it. jason releases kyle's hand, but it's so he can raise it up and curl fingers into his hair. to wrap around him just that much more. the arm around his waist curls around him tighter, but the fingers in his hair stay gentle. jason nips at his lower lip, gives a soft breathy noise into the kiss. )

[ it's new.

kyle recalls vividly the way alex fit against him, brushing away her long hair to kiss her neck. with donna, she would pin him down before they embraced. with jenny, they would fly. holding hands, they crossed the stars. all of those people who make up kyle. he could not extricate them from himself any more than he could rip his heart from his chest. all his love, etched deep in his bones.

but kyle isn't interested in comparing it. those are not the thoughts running through his head. he's not trying to fit jason into a slot that existed before. his palms press themselves against his back as to hold him close forever, to remove any kind of space that could exist between them as a buffer. he chases after jason's lips to deepen the kiss. ]

( soft physical affection like this always hits different. he's grown more accustomed to it over the last couple years, but a couple years still isn't shit versus the couple decades he spent expecting violence. jason likes it; he wants to sink into kyle, feel those fingers run across his back, kyle's warmth pressed close as jason holds on tight. wants to kiss him until he's breathless.

doesn't, not this time. they'll have opportunity for that later, won't they? because now, jason's--pulling back enough he can press the bridge of their noses together. keeps his fingers in kyle's hair, eyes closed. )

You'd better mean it. ( it's not doubting kyle. it's just-- ) 'cause you're stuck with me now.

I mean it.

[ he meant it long before. saying it out loud hasn't changed his response. it's just a confirmation. a certainty. in a world of dreams and outside of it, kyle will remain. steady as a heartbeat. ]

I know.

( he doesn't know kyle as well as he knows--some people, but kyle's not a hard read either. he's a shit liar who wears his heart on his sleeve, which would be horrendously dangerous for most people in their field, but kyle is. . different. jason wouldn't know how to properly put it into words, because he struggles with that: wearing his emotions, letting everyone see, being too loud, letting things break him apart too easily, allowing his emotions to take over when jason really shouldn't.

like the edge of vulnerability he's wearing now, that bleeds right into his voice when he speaks. it's a little too quiet for jason, too careful. )

Don't disappear on me.

[ oh. kyle tucks him close, as much as he can. that is a fear that reverberates through them both. he needs this as much as jason does. ]

I'm here. I've got you.

I had someone.

( it's a hard topic both because it's stupid to get into with kyle but he figures kyle'll get it better than most people here would. and he--wants to talk about it with someone who does get it. it's a loss he's brought up with dick, one that damian, strange, stark, barnes, they're all aware of it. probably aware too that jason has been walking around it like it never happened to begin with. because he doesn't handle loss well. never has. )

Where I was before. Her name was Loki, an' all she had to go home to was death. I lost Artemis to a fucking black hole, lost Lo to ending up here, an' I can't--lose you too. Swear to hell and back I'll fight every shit god that shows up to try and fuck shit up 'cause I can't.

i was born to hold my hands up (open)

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