metalogs | i was born to hold my hands up (open)

Or worse.

( because there's always worse. death isn't the worst-case scenario, jason has--seen what would have happened to them if they hadn't died in that warehouse explosion. that's the problem with mutliversal travel, isn't it. you see shit you wish you hadn't, learn things you never wanted to know about yourself and others. he clicks his tongue against the roof of his mouth. pulls himself up to his feet. )

No amount of bitching about B and the shit way he handles everything'll change the fact that becoming Robin was still the best damn thing that happened to us.

I know. Kinda fucked but being Robin made me feel like I had magic.

[What a stupid, naïve sentiment he used to have before he came further jaded by the world]

Yeah. ( having a double both means agreeing with them on a lot of shit and hating how much they do agree. how close they are. ) Felt like I'd finally had a place to belong, too.

[Sadly and bitterly]

Until it wasn't. Maybe... Maybe we just weren't meant for it.

( maybe they were meant to be left on the street. maybe bruce wasn't meant to pick them up, and instead they were supposed to--just rot there on the streets. maybe bruce would have been better off picking up another kid, but--it's a lot of maybes. a lot of what ifs and jason doesn't like getting stuck on those.

so he pulls himself up to his feet instead. looks around dingy little room. )

Doesn't matter what we were meant for. We got what we got. We ain't here anymore, ( with a gesture around the room. ) we're more than just our roots.

Yeah...

[Though it still hurts to know and see what Sheila did. At least his own death wasn't exactly like that]

We gotta keep going, right? Even if we're dead on our feet already.

Yep.

( they can't stay down, because that's giving up. and jason never gives up. )

'til we kick the bucket and stay dead.

I died thinking my death was going to mean something for Bruce. And not just him getting more pissed but pissed off enough to finally make some damn changes.

[And then coming back and learning otherwise hurt as much as the physical pain of his resurrection]

( coming back to find out he hadn't been avenged, then finding out later that bruce had another robin hurt worse than coming back to life. he gets it. betrayal always stings the worst, especially when it comes from one of the few people who had actually given a shit about you.

but he doesn't say any of that, and instead settles with, ) Did your B build the shrine?

( the robin one. his old costume, encased in glass to be remembered. the one that's still there even though jason's alive. like it's a memorial to the kid he once was, who died and never returned. )

[Jason looks back at his double confused]

What shrine?

( maybe not, then. jason's not sure if he feels better about it not being there or if it's. . worse, somehow, that bruce just let him die and didn't put out a reminder.

or maybe this jason's just too young to have seen it. )

He put my old Robin uniform in a glass case. Put a plaque on it that reads a good soldier.

[Jason scoffs and is back to being visibly angry and ready to spit poison]

Figures. Seems to say a lot about what he really think. I haven't been back at the manor or the cave since that day I ran away.

Yeah.

( he's gone back and forth on the whole thing. on whether or not it was just--poor planning on bruce's part when it went up. on if it was intentional. on if it was meant to hurt. on if leaving it there was intentional, like--he still lost jason, jason never came back, or if it was some masochistic reminder for bruce himself despite the fact he's lost every son of his at least once since. jason's death was a tragedy, but it was hardly the only one. )

I'd tell you to keep it that way, but. ( back in new amsterdam, when people disappeared and came back, they didn't remember anything that happened there when they got back home. he doesn't know if it works the same here, but even if it does--he'd still say that having the rest of them is worth the heartbreak. dick, tim, steph, cass, damian--all of them. so he doesn't finish his sentence. just--leaves it half-finished. junior'll get it. )

[Jason does pick up what his older self is trying to say. He too has own feelings about the other members of the BatFamily]

You still love the others.

You do, too.

( he knows. he's seen it. )

[Jason fidgets a little, feeling uncomfortable and unsure. He's had so many family issues for most of his life now but when it comes to his his siblings, he come to truly care about them]

Not like I'd be welcomed back anyway. Not after the last time I talked to my Bruce.

The conversation before you died?

( clarifying first, because the last thing he wants to do is dig himself in too deep. they're already--here, standing in the middle of their childhood 'home'. jason doesn't want to make a bigger mess. )

[Jason shakes his head]

No. This one happened years afterwards. It was when I was trying to force him to kill the Joker.

[He doesn't regret that attempt but he recognizes just how emotionally and mentally dark he was that night. It revealed things he normally keeps a tight lid on]

( jason remembers what he did, when he came back to gotham. when he tried to force bruce's hand. the shit that came out of his mouth, how heavy it all was. junior's doubt isn't surprising, because it took--a significant amount of time before anyone was comfortable letting jason back in their space. )

You tell him either he kills Joker or you will? How it wasn't your death you were holding against him, but that he let Joker live?

[God it's so unnerving how similar they are]

Yeah. That's exactly how it happened. I also had a bomb ready just in case.

[Because that's how desperate he was. He didn't care if he had to die again to finally get what he thought he wanted]

Joker set off the bomb after B dug a batarang into my neck.

( hand up to feel along the edges of the scar--it's older, but he can still feel the ache. )

Couldn't tell you how the hell I made it out of that alive.

[The batarang incident is another factor that makes younger Jason wants to lean towards never coming back to the family. Is his own Bruce capable of doing it too?]

I set off the bomb. I had my gun right at the clown's head while I was screaming at Bruce. Bruce started to walk away and then I tried to shoot him instead of the damn clown.

[Jason's still disgusted with himself for lashing out as opposed to just killing the Joker right there and then]

Bruce threw a batarang into the barrel and it blew my gun up. Burned my hand and that's when I decided to try to take all of us down.

I didn't hesitate.

( must be where that incident branches off, too; jason kept his gun on the joker, he was ready go to through with it, he was so angry, he needed joker dead. should have killed him earlier, really, but that was his mistake. joker not being dead after, well-- )

B didn't have anywhere else to hit me. But he didn't turn away either.

[There's an uncomfortable pause as Jason thinks about his next question. Even in this strange shared dreamscape there are still some thoughts that he's hesitant to explore]

Was it on purpose what he did?

( the uncomfortable silence followed by a quiet question gets followed with--more uncomfortable silence while jason thinks about how to answer that.

clicks his tongue against the roof of his mouth. )

Heard you talked to him, when he was here.

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