metalogs | i was born to hold my hands up (open)

[The teenager shifts and it's Jason as he usually looks outside of the dreamscape. More height and more muscles but still the same traumatized man]

It feels like it's been forever for me too.

Part of the job, ain't it. Being tired.

( watching everything continuously fall apart. falling apart just to need to pull themselves together. being dead exhausted all the time, because no matter how hard they try, there's always something else. )

[Sadly and quietly]

I wish it would stop.

[Jason simple accepts their surroundings fall apart. Isn't that how it usually goes for them? Just one thing falling apart after another. They can't even have a real mom apparently]

I do, too.

( wishes that it would all just--end. the horrible shitty things that happen in gotham. the pain. wishes he could stop, sometimes, but jason knows he can't. not until it's all over, and it'll--never get there. )

Have you ever thought just... Stopping?

[He leaves that trail of thought vague. It's grim to think about]

I'm not gonna stop until I'm dead.

( it's a non-answer. he has thought about it. he's thought about dying, too, and being able to stay down. jason doesn't want to die, he's too stubborn for that. but he--wants to make sure no one brings him back the next time it happens. he can't handle another resurrection. )

[Jason makes a short, humorless laugh]

I guess that's the best option we got.

Yeah.

( what else are they supposed to do? stop, after all they've seen? all the pain and suffering they know they can--do something about? they know how to dig into gotham's shittiest circles, how to tear them apart from the inside. and maybe they can't stop all of it, but saving one alley kid from going through the same shit they did would still make it worth it. lessening harm is better than doing nothing. )

's what happens, when you take on the name Robin. There's no going back. And even if I could--I wouldn't.

( where would he have ended up, without bruce? maybe he would have made it, made something of himself. but jason knows better. he would have ended up as just another dead kid in crime alley, or he'd have grown up doing the same shit his old man did just to keep himself from drowning. )

Neither would I.

[Jason knows his options as a Crime Alley kid were few and far between. Meeting Bruce was literally a life-changing event for both of them]

What else would there have been for us? Just keep stealing and running from the cops and Batman until bullets or some other fucked-up shit did us in?

Or worse.

( because there's always worse. death isn't the worst-case scenario, jason has--seen what would have happened to them if they hadn't died in that warehouse explosion. that's the problem with mutliversal travel, isn't it. you see shit you wish you hadn't, learn things you never wanted to know about yourself and others. he clicks his tongue against the roof of his mouth. pulls himself up to his feet. )

No amount of bitching about B and the shit way he handles everything'll change the fact that becoming Robin was still the best damn thing that happened to us.

I know. Kinda fucked but being Robin made me feel like I had magic.

[What a stupid, naïve sentiment he used to have before he came further jaded by the world]

Yeah. ( having a double both means agreeing with them on a lot of shit and hating how much they do agree. how close they are. ) Felt like I'd finally had a place to belong, too.

[Sadly and bitterly]

Until it wasn't. Maybe... Maybe we just weren't meant for it.

( maybe they were meant to be left on the street. maybe bruce wasn't meant to pick them up, and instead they were supposed to--just rot there on the streets. maybe bruce would have been better off picking up another kid, but--it's a lot of maybes. a lot of what ifs and jason doesn't like getting stuck on those.

so he pulls himself up to his feet instead. looks around dingy little room. )

Doesn't matter what we were meant for. We got what we got. We ain't here anymore, ( with a gesture around the room. ) we're more than just our roots.

Yeah...

[Though it still hurts to know and see what Sheila did. At least his own death wasn't exactly like that]

We gotta keep going, right? Even if we're dead on our feet already.

Yep.

( they can't stay down, because that's giving up. and jason never gives up. )

'til we kick the bucket and stay dead.

I died thinking my death was going to mean something for Bruce. And not just him getting more pissed but pissed off enough to finally make some damn changes.

[And then coming back and learning otherwise hurt as much as the physical pain of his resurrection]

( coming back to find out he hadn't been avenged, then finding out later that bruce had another robin hurt worse than coming back to life. he gets it. betrayal always stings the worst, especially when it comes from one of the few people who had actually given a shit about you.

but he doesn't say any of that, and instead settles with, ) Did your B build the shrine?

( the robin one. his old costume, encased in glass to be remembered. the one that's still there even though jason's alive. like it's a memorial to the kid he once was, who died and never returned. )

[Jason looks back at his double confused]

What shrine?

( maybe not, then. jason's not sure if he feels better about it not being there or if it's. . worse, somehow, that bruce just let him die and didn't put out a reminder.

or maybe this jason's just too young to have seen it. )

He put my old Robin uniform in a glass case. Put a plaque on it that reads a good soldier.

[Jason scoffs and is back to being visibly angry and ready to spit poison]

Figures. Seems to say a lot about what he really think. I haven't been back at the manor or the cave since that day I ran away.

Yeah.

( he's gone back and forth on the whole thing. on whether or not it was just--poor planning on bruce's part when it went up. on if it was intentional. on if it was meant to hurt. on if leaving it there was intentional, like--he still lost jason, jason never came back, or if it was some masochistic reminder for bruce himself despite the fact he's lost every son of his at least once since. jason's death was a tragedy, but it was hardly the only one. )

I'd tell you to keep it that way, but. ( back in new amsterdam, when people disappeared and came back, they didn't remember anything that happened there when they got back home. he doesn't know if it works the same here, but even if it does--he'd still say that having the rest of them is worth the heartbreak. dick, tim, steph, cass, damian--all of them. so he doesn't finish his sentence. just--leaves it half-finished. junior'll get it. )

[Jason does pick up what his older self is trying to say. He too has own feelings about the other members of the BatFamily]

You still love the others.

You do, too.

( he knows. he's seen it. )

[Jason fidgets a little, feeling uncomfortable and unsure. He's had so many family issues for most of his life now but when it comes to his his siblings, he come to truly care about them]

Not like I'd be welcomed back anyway. Not after the last time I talked to my Bruce.

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