metalogs | i was born to hold my hands up (open)

[Jason frantically shakes his head as he keeps trying to push him off. Out of survival instinct he then tries to punch Robin in the face. He wants to run away so badly. He doesn't understand what's happening. He just knows something's very wrong]

( the hit lands, square across robin's cheek. he reaches a hand up, attempts to go for jason temporarily suspended, and--presses bloody fingers up against the place jason's fist had landed.

offers a sad little smile, before robin simply fades away. )

[Jason scrambles to get up and flee. Soon color comes back into the void and shapes are formed.

The foyer for a mansion appears. Sunlight is streaming from the large windows. A teenage boy softly steps down the grand stairs. When he reaches the landing, he looks to the side at the doorway to the library. The doors have been left open and he can hear two older men talking. He can't make out everything they're saying yet but he does hear "Jason."

He comes closer and hides besides the doorway to eavesdrops more on the men. What he hears hurts and enrages him]

( he doesn't exist. he's a fly on the wall listening to a conversation that's all too familiar and yet different all in the same breath. he listens to bruce talk about his unresolved pain, how he needs to bench him because clearly jason can't be trusted out there. he's too rough. too volatile. he's not dick grayson.

and jason's leaning up against the door frame just outside of bruce and alfred's view. he's patting at the pockets of his jacket. pulls out a box of cigarettes, and puts one between his lips. he doesn't smoke anymore, hasn't since bruce picked him up off the streets, but this isn't real and he doesn't give two shits about his lungs in a fucked up nightmare. )

He didn't know what he took on.

[The statements "a danger to himself" and "a danger to our mission" echo throughout the void. Everything Bruce said hurt but those two parts were especially painful. His own adoptive father was saying he's dangerous and can't be trusted.

The angry teenager appears again as the void shifts back to an old decrepit room. A few tires are stacked in a corner while a dirty thin mattress is on the floor]

Damaged goods. Sorry. No refunds for fucked-up kids.

[His voice is bitter. It's a defense to hide how hurt he feels too]

( the room shifts, and so does jason. he lounges on the dirty thin mattress like he belongs there, messy curls falling over his forehead and ratty old clothes that aren't the right size falling awkwardly on too-thin shoulders. he's maybe, just barely, hit double digits. the cigarette that wasn't lit before's halfway to the filter. )

He thought he'd seen the worst Gotham has to offer from up on top of his nice fancy schmancy hill in his nice manor with it's too many rooms full of ghosts. He saw Crime Alley for what it was, once, an' thought he knew it all. But he didn't. Doesn't. He doesn't know the shit kids like us have to do to survive. He doesn't know it ain't us that's the problem, ( cigarette between his fingers, brow furrowed, ) it's that his mission only works for him.

[The teenager is pacing angrily like a caged predator]

His way is the only right way as far as he's concerned. So sanctimonious and looking down at everything else from his ivory tower. He thinks he gets how fucked things can get but he hasn't seen how deep those roots can go.

He hasn't seen Gotham the way we have.

( fathers teaching their kids how to steal shit more effectively so they can have a sidekick of their own. mothers with needles in their arms, dead in the bathtub. the shit a kid has to do to survive rather than get pulled under gotham's current.

jason tips his head, follows "junior" who really isn't a junior anymore with his eyes. )

But he can't do it the way we do it. I've seen it. What happens when Bruce does decide to kill Joker after our death.

[Jason pauses in his angry fog and looks back at the "boy"]

What happens?

He kills all of them. And he doesn't stop.

( it's vague but it's meant to be. jason doesn't want to get into it, because he knows it's what he wanted until he saw how it'd turn out. and it's not even the killing everyone thing that hits the most, it's the - )

He forgets he's fighting for justice.

[Jason scowls and looks away. He's angry again]

Then it really is left to just us. No one else.

[He's so tired and frustrated by the whole ordeal. It doesn't feel fair]

( he--shifts again. he's older, looks the same as he does outside of the dream, aside from the white patch of hair that falls over his forehead. )

He can't handle it. Not like we can.

[Jason sighs]

I know. I tried to convince my Bruce before the Confluence. Shit didn't work. Do you ever get tired?

I've been tired for a long time.

( their lives are too much but it's also--not enough. he's not doing enough, he needs to do more, but he's so exhausted of trying and failing. of bruce getting pissed at him. of feeling like he needs to live up to bruce's expectations, of then feeling like bruce can fuck off because jason doesn't care but he does care. he cares so much--about gotham, about his siblings, about bruce, and it's always too much. )

[The teenager shifts and it's Jason as he usually looks outside of the dreamscape. More height and more muscles but still the same traumatized man]

It feels like it's been forever for me too.

Part of the job, ain't it. Being tired.

( watching everything continuously fall apart. falling apart just to need to pull themselves together. being dead exhausted all the time, because no matter how hard they try, there's always something else. )

[Sadly and quietly]

I wish it would stop.

[Jason simple accepts their surroundings fall apart. Isn't that how it usually goes for them? Just one thing falling apart after another. They can't even have a real mom apparently]

I do, too.

( wishes that it would all just--end. the horrible shitty things that happen in gotham. the pain. wishes he could stop, sometimes, but jason knows he can't. not until it's all over, and it'll--never get there. )

Have you ever thought just... Stopping?

[He leaves that trail of thought vague. It's grim to think about]

I'm not gonna stop until I'm dead.

( it's a non-answer. he has thought about it. he's thought about dying, too, and being able to stay down. jason doesn't want to die, he's too stubborn for that. but he--wants to make sure no one brings him back the next time it happens. he can't handle another resurrection. )

[Jason makes a short, humorless laugh]

I guess that's the best option we got.

Yeah.

( what else are they supposed to do? stop, after all they've seen? all the pain and suffering they know they can--do something about? they know how to dig into gotham's shittiest circles, how to tear them apart from the inside. and maybe they can't stop all of it, but saving one alley kid from going through the same shit they did would still make it worth it. lessening harm is better than doing nothing. )

's what happens, when you take on the name Robin. There's no going back. And even if I could--I wouldn't.

( where would he have ended up, without bruce? maybe he would have made it, made something of himself. but jason knows better. he would have ended up as just another dead kid in crime alley, or he'd have grown up doing the same shit his old man did just to keep himself from drowning. )

Neither would I.

[Jason knows his options as a Crime Alley kid were few and far between. Meeting Bruce was literally a life-changing event for both of them]

What else would there have been for us? Just keep stealing and running from the cops and Batman until bullets or some other fucked-up shit did us in?

Or worse.

( because there's always worse. death isn't the worst-case scenario, jason has--seen what would have happened to them if they hadn't died in that warehouse explosion. that's the problem with mutliversal travel, isn't it. you see shit you wish you hadn't, learn things you never wanted to know about yourself and others. he clicks his tongue against the roof of his mouth. pulls himself up to his feet. )

No amount of bitching about B and the shit way he handles everything'll change the fact that becoming Robin was still the best damn thing that happened to us.

I know. Kinda fucked but being Robin made me feel like I had magic.

[What a stupid, naïve sentiment he used to have before he came further jaded by the world]

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